The grieving process is so multi-faceted!
if not walked through to the other side can cause a person to shut down all emotions completely thus causing a person to become calloused, cold, and numb to not only the emotions that cause the pain but also the emotions that cause good feelings to bloom as well. I have struggled with this for many years. I have in the past year or so really released my grieve to God through several different ways.
I went to a class a couple of years back called Forgiven and Set Free led by my sweet loving friend Jodi Handran where she helped me through the process of my miscarriage and loss. I have also gone to a Grief Share group for the past year and I am so thankful for the people God has placed in my life to walk me through this season. Without them I would have stayed stuck in my hurt.
I am learning that grief can come to call even when we think that we are past all the pain and that this is normal and ok. It is a reminder that we have loved deeply, even when we never saw a face to go with the names we so lovingly picked out.
Dates can still cause a pain in our hearts months and even many years after.
God is so lovingly showing me that it is ok.
That I am safe in His arms to wade through the pain.
Growing up in a Christian home Easter has always been a happy celebration.
It was a time to get a pretty new dress and celebrate our savior not only dying on the cross…
Conquering death and sin on our behalf by rising again.
So when my world stopped 8 years ago on the blackest of Black Fridays when I miscarried my twin babies, part of me never wanted to celebrate another Easter again.
In this process of healing though,
Jesus has reminded me some very amazing things and I hope they will touch someone helping them to enter into their own understanding and rejoicing.
I am entering a new season that part of me has yearned for and part of me has feared. It’s a season of new love, new beginnings, new promises and hope.
Yet these past couple days I have felt so torn.
I can envision part of me reaching back to the memory of my babies while my other hand reaches out to the man who is winning my heart each and every day.
My mind wars with the thought that if I truly live I am in some way forgetting the memories of my babies, yet I know that life is made to live and love.
My heart kept beating on this earth even when theirs stopped.
I couldn’t help but think back in the bible times where this internal war could have been waging in those amazing people that we have come to know through His word.
I thought of the Israelite’s as they were entering the promise land without Moses their beloved leader that put up with their moaning, rebellion and fear for 40 years! I could feel the mixed emotions they must have felt as a whole generation of their loved ones perished because of their disobedience yet the longing for the land and life that had been promised to them. I totally get it now!
Then God brought to mind the often misquoted verse in Isaiah…
Isaiah 29 is a Letter to those in Exile.
People want to jump to the verse that says..
“For I know the plans I have for you, saith the Lord,
Plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and future.”
People want to pull that verse out of context and offer it up to someone during a trying time in their lives, during a time of grief or loss.
In studying this chapter I have learned some very interesting things and they have offered me hope in this process and start to a new season in my life.
1) These words were spoken in the BEGINNING of the 70 years of exile! That used to bring dread to my heart because I looked at that as an un-fulfillment of the promise from verse 11 for those people who had to endure the exile. Yet God gave them hope even in the exile! I have found that true in my life as well!
2) Even though God promised them a hope and a future I am sure that in the eyes of the Israelite’s it wasn’t what they imagined. Anyone that knows about the Israelites and their ways knows that they were called to separate living. Yet in verses 5-9 the prophet was saying that God was telling them to build houses and settle, to make gardens which would have taken time to produce crops, to marry and have sons and daughters, to increase and seek peace, prosperity to the enemies that carried them far from their home! The hearts of those being told this must have been so troubled and torn by this!
3) The last thing that really hit me was that God was not taking away the pain or “punishment” but offering them hope and a new life, not necessarily where the Israelites wanted or planned but a life none the less. Also a promise for abundant life if they would learn to be content in their circumstances, if they would seek the Maker with all their hearts. He promised them that He would be found and He promised restoration.
So in this process of grieving the loss of my babies I am learning that it is ok to have moments or days of struggle but when I do I have to look to God’s word and have him speak truth to my heart so that healing can continue. I have to seek Him with all my heart and know that He promises that He will be found.
On this Easter I am finally ready to be ok and even mournfully, reverently joyful in the phrase that He holds my babies in His loving embrace.
I have to remind my vacant arms that long to be the one to hold them that His promise and sacrifice this Easter is just as real as it was 2000 years ago.
He died for me.
For my sins.
Past, Present and Future.
He died for my doubt, for my fear and for my insecurities,
He didn’t stay in the grave though!
He rose again defeating death and sin!
So that now I can stand up tall, royalty in His loving gaze.
He can take my imperfections and short comings,
Not to leave me there but by His work,
not my own so that I may not boast,
He lovingly heals.
He lovingly reminds me that it’s not forgetting to move on,
It’s not irreverence to look to this new love in my life.
That when I stumble and fall,
His grace is sufficient!
I am content that my babies are safe in His loving embrace!
I am holding to the promise that they know how much I love them,
And I look to this Easter with a new perspective!
Will next Easter be hard?
But with each passing year and each thing I lay into God’s patient hands for healing, the aching pain and searing loss grows less and less intense, making room for love in my heart.
I am so ready for this new season!
To unfold like the strong leaves of a
vibrant yellow daffodil,
struggling through the hard frozen ground,
waiting for that moment it breaks through the unyielding soil,
to the wonderous light of sun streaking down,
nourishing it to life,
bending its face to the sweet gentle spring rain,
knowing that this new season will be glorious!