New beginnings…… Why are they so hard to make sometimes?
It means saying goodbye to the old, the familiar, even when you know it has become an old and familiar that is not good or health for yourself. Don’t get me wrong… my time in South Carolina was filled with many good things, times and people! Yet in my heart, spirit and soul, I knew that it was time to leave.
So why do we fight change so hard when God only wants the best for us?
I have found during this change there are several reasons that I fought God on this epic change in my life. I want to share them with you in hopes that you can relate to them and hopefully when God develops changes in your life it may be easier for you to accept and welcome them in to your life!
My first reason I saw for not wanting to move back up to New York was accepting the devils lie that if I came back up here I had failed in some way. That I hadn’t made it. In my life there has been many instances where I have let the devil hold this lie over my head! In my life it was believing that lie and also not seeing God for who He truly is, my PERFECT Heavenly Father that wants only the best for his daughter.
He is my Heavenly Father, with that title comes something that I needed to learn and understand. If you are a parent already maybe you have been able to grasp this aspect of God more completely and understand. I haven’t been blessed with children yet however God has blessed me with several friends who are single parents. I had the opportunity and blessing to help those mothers by caring for and assisting them when they needed it.
In doing that I learned that when a child is mis-behaving that there are times that the caregiver needs to reinforce the “rules” not because the caregiver is evil, wants to punish the child, or see the child hurt. NO! It is the total opposite! The caregiver knows that the consequences can be much worse and treacherous for the child than fearing the child will misunderstand the discipline. Gentle guidance is usually the first source a caregiver will offer to the child to explain why they can’t or shouldn’t do something. If their directive still goes unheeded then a caregiver may have to resort to a spanking or other disciplinary measure set up based one the misconduct. Just like an earthly parent would want the best for their children and therefore need to train up a child through guidance and discipline so our Heavenly Father chooses to see us as His sons and daughters and guide us… even discipline when necessary. I found a verse recently that showed me how much he cares…
Isaiah 66:9~ (NCV)
In the same way I will not cause pain
without allowing something new to be born,” says the Lord.
“If I cause you the pain,
I will not stop you from giving birth to your new nation,”
says your God.
In our society today we flee from the thought that God would cause pain in our life… Why would He do that? He is God so He’s just supposed to make my life easy right? WRONG!
That’s not what the bible says and that’s not what God has said in scripture. People, including myself, want to pull out only the favorable, pleasant blessing verses and dwell only on those. Again don’t get me wrong! I have needed those good, lift me up verses and promises to help me learn who God is and the awesome plan that He has for me and everyone! Yet if we just stick to those happy, sugary verses, what happens when our lives crash around us and we are left picking up the pieces?!
When the ground beneath our feet gives way and we feel we are plummeting… Is your sticky sweet God there?
Are you truly praising Him in the storms of your life or shaking your fist at Him for the inconvenience?
I have been there! I am only saying these things because I have experienced them and know the misgivings and traps of not knowing God well enough. King David was there many times in His life but He didn’t stay there. He still knew God was God and he was not.
If we are truly seeking God’s face then we should not be fearful of His hand when He is trying to guide and shape us into the children that He wants us to be. You want your child to grow up to be a productive, respectful and upstanding citizen right? Well if so then just letting them go and do whatever they want does not produce what you are hoping for. That would produce a brat, a hellion, or worse a felon!
So I am learning that, yes God has an awesome plan for me! BUT… sometimes in our own stubbornness God has to cause a little pain or discomfort in our lives to move us to the place where we are ready for change and His good and perfect will.
Another lesson that I learned during this whole process and transition is that:
People come into your life
for a reason, a season or a lifetime.
I haven’t had to many lifetime friends and that has been very hard for me! Again I looked at that as a negative and feelings of failure and abandonment creep into my thoughts. I would think that it was because I wasn’t a good enough friend or didn’t put forth enough effort to stay in contact.
Leaving South Carolina was hard because I had just started making some very good friendships after a long time of loneliness and difficulty finding good quality friendships. I wanted to hold on to these people and my fear that if I left that I would loose touch with them hit me full force! I didn’t want to start over and have that period of absolute isolation and friendlessness. I have friends in New York however I am still an hour or more away from them and have no income right now. My first thought was that I was going to have to start all over again and didn’t even have the money to visit the friends that are now a little closer. And when I get a job am I going to be able to have the time to visit them? Are our schedules going to meet up to be able to stay in touch? And what if I have to go another year or so before I meet more friends? Can I handle that isolation??
So those were my feelings going into this move… but most of all they were all fears!
I have let fear of so much rule my life for so long… Ya’ll might be shocked by that. But I have!
I have been through so much in my life and made it through even more that you would think I was the toughest, strongest person around but I’m not. I still have fears and insecurities.
I am learning… 2 things…
The awesome thing that I know is…
That Im not doing it alone! I have a confidant named the Holy Spirit guiding me each and every minute, a best friend named Jesus who walked the road called life just like me, and a Heavenly Father that wants to wrap His loving arms around me and whisper… don’t fight these hands that are holding you!
So I am ready for this next new beginning!
I’m sure that there will be days when the monotony of routine, jobs and life sets in but I pray that I will continually look to my friends to help me through and when He brings another friend into my life for a reason, or season, or lifetime I will be ready and willing to welcome them with open arms for however long God has for me!
The last apprehension that I had in moving back to New York was the possibility of running into my “ex”-husband. It has been 5 years since I have seen him and there was still the fear of what would I feel or how would I react if I saw him again. It was easy to not worry about that when your 5-6 states away!
God is still working through all that pain and hurt that I still feel. I am learning who I am in Christ and healing. Nevertheless I know that I need closer and the only way to get that is a divorce and facing my fears.
Psalms 27:1 says
The LORD is my light and my salvation
— whom shall I fear?
The LORD is the stronghold of my life— of whom shall I be afraid?
And another verse God showed me and I quote it often to myself:
My Refuge and My Fortress
91 He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High
will abide in the shadow of the Almighty.
2 I will say[a] to the Lord, “My refuge and my fortress,
my God, in whom I trust.”
3 For he will deliver you from the snare of the fowler
and from the deadly pestilence.
4 He will cover you with his pinions,
and under his wings you will find refuge;
his faithfulness is a shield and buckler.
5 You will not fear the terror of the night,
nor the arrow that flies by day,
God protected me thus far and I know He will continue to in the days, months and years ahead of me! Should I ever doubt or loose sight of that and let fear take ahold of me I will look to God’s word to remind my wandering heart that He will never leave me and never forsake me!