Sensitive material- Read with Caution and Grace

Its amazing to me how even when we think that we are dealing with things and on the path to healing, God can show us how much farther we need to go, bring things long buried to mind, or put us in a place that will help us remember and effectively deal then truly heal.

God has done this with me many instances of my life so I have to believe that He does it for others who truly want healing and wholeness. I have to be honest my first response is to be mad at Him. To question Him and say, “Why this? Why now? It was 10+ years ago!” Yet I know that my Heavenly Papa is not anything like my earthly father. That He doesn’t bring forth the past into the mind to inflict more pain or to show you your weaknesses, flaws and hold them against you. He wants you to find true freedom and healing from these past scars and baggage.

The only way to do that sometimes is to bring the ugly to light.

To not fear the dark but look it head on and know that your Papa will light the way!

Part of me rebelled against writing this because I kept thinking.. “what would people think of me?!

The other night God directed me to some very strong and couragous womens blogs and I saw that I offered them no condemnation reading their story! Only hope that they made it through safely and have taken the steps to healing. I crave that freedom! The link will take you to those sites if you want to read more…  http://sistersofchrist.wordpress.com/  and http://misslisted.com/

My first instinct when things get to hard or overwhelming is to want to curl up in bed and sleep. Though sleep is important in and of itself, I have been sleeping my way through life for far to long! I desire a healthy way of processing the things that have happened and if it be blogging that is going to help then I will try it!

I just got a job as a front desk clerk about a month ago. God has a way of putting me in jobs that will help me remember and ultimately help me heal. He did that for me in 2003 when I first moved to NY. I worked at a boys home where all the residence were sexual offenders. At first I didn’t think anything of it. In fact, I had this strong desire to help these boys see that there was another life out there for them. I was young and naive in thinking I could “save” them and became easily manipulated by the boys. When it was mandated that we read each boys charts so that we knew how to best help the boy, all the memories and pain came back to me of my childhood. The sexual abuse that I had buried for oh so long was finally bubbling to the surface and I was at an age that I needed to identify it and deal with it. My boss was amazing and helped me to get into counseling where I was able to really work on a lot of the pain and hurt from my childhood.

However when you resign from a job that you are no longer emotionally or physically are able to do. Until the money comes in from a new job the counseling had to take a back burner to surviving and bills.

So you can see how God brings what I felt as a random job into my life to bring to light things long repressed in knowing that I would be able to heal from those past things.

So back to the new job as the front desk clerk at the hotel….

The hotel that I work at is awesome! The owners are super sweet, very hard working and expect the best work from their employees. I fit in well there because I have learned to be a person that gives 110% in whatever job I have. I am constantly getting praise at how quickly I have caught on and I do appreciate the affirmation!

Last night was a trigger for me though… It started off just like any other shift. The person before me filled me in that it was a fairly slow night, there was no laundry to be done so I was to find other odds and end cleaning to keep me busy and help the time pass. So I jumped right in and scrubbed down all of the seats in the breakfast area in hopes the stains from an extra tired traveler spilling his coffee, or the little child who didn’t want orange juice but apple juice instead so he pours it on the seat of the chair to get his parents attention…. all those little stains with memories of their own would come out… They look A LOT better! =)

As I was completing this a lady walks through and asks for salt…

I tell her there should be some in one of the bowls on the counter where the breakfast is set up.

She finds it before I make it over to help and says, ” Gotta have this to go with the Tequila”

Oh do I remember those days…. Sometimes fondly but mostly not. First trigger

Most people drink to have fun,

drink to be sociable,

drink to be the life of the party,

drink to fight,

I was the kind that drank to forget!

I drank to forget that I was struggling to provide for myself, I drank to forget the past hurts that had already happened and most of all I drank to attempt to forget what I was doing that night and potentially going to get myself into.

So there you have it my reputation is already tainted in your eyes but I wanted you to know that I am not an innocent person.

Anyway so last night I didn’t even realize it was a trigger for me, not a trigger to want to drink, I have long since learned that alcohol is not for me. A beer, A glass of wine or A alcoholic beverage is fine for me when I am with friends and such but that happens so few and far between now. Its my mentality that has changed and the knowledge that it may dull your senses for a short time but those memories are with you for a life time.

I continued my work as usual last night, did my regular rounds, found some more stuff to clean and read some more training stuff. Around 9 pm I head down the halls for another round. As I am nearing this room I hear loud voices through the door as the party continues on. Our hotel is not the hotel to come and party at! We have guest sign a quiet waver saying that if they are caught partying and cause a disturbance for any other guest they are liable for the guest who complained night stay. You just don’t party there!

Trigger number 2… Which really got my mind thinking about the few hotel parties that my “friends” and I had when I was young and stupid.  I am so glad we have a no party policy and are pro-active in our approach to partying. If we have a room that we suspect is going to be loud or having a party then we make extra rounds to ensure the sound level is kept to a minimum. If things get to loud we call the room and let them know that they need to keep it down. If it continues then we have the right to call management and then the police if necessary. Last night I got to the management step and was ready to call the police when they finally decided that the extra people needed to go home.

All that to say it brought back one hotel party in my past that I wish the hotel employees would have been more pro-active in their approach.

By this point some of you may have stopped reading because I didn’t get to my point soon enough and for that I am glad. I struggle with writing this down but know I need to… For those who have continued reading, you may know what is coming and the heart wrenching story that is about to unfold.

The memory that came to mind was one that I never wanted to remember again..

My friends and I were underage for renting rooms but we were of course hanging out with guys that were older and able to rent a room. We all pitched in money for the room and the guy that I had been paired up with and I went in to rent the room. You can’t have your whole group come in with as the hotel then knows that its a hotel party… only rockstars get away with that!

So the guy, we will name him Frank as I was unaware of his name having just met him that night. I was young, naive and trusted my so called friends to much to get first and last names of the people we partied with. Dumb I know… ya don’t have to tell me!

So “Frank” and I went to the room and it was my knowledge that he would then go down to the side door and let my friends and his in so that we could all have a good time and party. What I didn’t realize until it was way to late was that instead of letting them in he told them the party was over and to go find somewhere else to go. He then came back up to the room. He lied to me and told me that the other people had gotten sick of waiting so they went to find something else to do.

I wanted to go with them, I told him. He lounged on the side of the bed and proceeded to do several lines of white powder and said no, your staying here. He offered some of the white powder stuff but I declined.

I got up from the chair I had been sitting in across the room and started for the door. I explained that I was leaving and going to find my friends. I almost made it to the door when I felt hands on me and the next thing I knew I was flying through the air unto the bed. He pounced on top of me, his putrid breath inches away from my face. “Frank” said, “Oh no you don’t! We are going to have some fun!”

I remember fighting and trying to get him off of me, begging him to just let me go, apologizing for leading him to think that this was what I wanted, fighting some more, then a fist came across my face and I was silent.

As he ripped my clothes off he told me how I deserved this. How little girls like me antagonized him and acted like sluts then when it came time to do something they wanted to back out. He wasn’t going to let me back out. He was going to do whatever he wanted to me and I was going to like it. And he did… off and on all night long. At one point I though he was asleep so I grabbed m clothes and was going to try and escape. He was faster than my attempt. He grabbed me as I screamed out and said if I made another noise he would kill me.

I have read from others blog that women go into survival mode when faced with circumstance like this and I until I read that I never understood why I just “gave up”. I blamed myself for too many years for that night and the things done to me. It was the longest night of my life and I wondered if I would get out of it alive or whether the housekeeping would find me dead the next morning. How I wished and prayed someone would have been walking by on their rounds to hear my protests! Another part of me just wished that he would kill me.

How was I going to live after this?

I was tainted, used and then in the morning thrown away like garbage from last nights premium meal.

I did live to see another day. He insisted that I take him to his friends after all the things that he did to me. I drove him there and then in a fog and daze drove back to the place where I was living at the time.

I never saw the guy again. My friends asked why I had ditched them!

How could I tell them that he had lied to them and then had his way with me! Would they believe me?

So I told no one…. Until now.

I want to be free!

Free from this pain!

From the injustice of the moment!

From the impurity of what was taken from me!

I wasn’t a virgin but that doesn’t matter! It was still against my will and something taken from me!

By writing this out I am praying that someone else can come to the freeing knowledge that it wasn’t their fault! What happened to you was not your fault! No means no!

And the other thing I want a reader to know is that there is freedom and redemption!

It says in…    Zephaniah 3:17
The LORD your God is with you, the Mighty Warrior who saves.

He will take great delight in you;

in his love he will no longer rebuke you, but will rejoice over you with singing.”

Another truth that I want to help people understand and I need to reiterate to myself is that God didn’t put me in those circumstances so that one day I could be writing this and help others. No my own choices to hang out with the crowd influenced the things that might happen to me. Does that mean that it is some how my fault? No someone forced their will onto mine so that I didn’t have a choice in the matter except to survive. What I do with it after is up to me though… I can continue to hold on to it, hold every guy I meet at arms length thinking that he is somehow out to hurt me, and walk through life only wanting to sleep when times get hard. OR I can rise above the offense, release the guy that did that to me and in the process free myself to live a life that God called me to live.

I pray that this will help someone find freedom. If you have any questions, need any prayer or just need someone to talk to, please message me!

God bless!

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14 thoughts on “Sensitive material- Read with Caution and Grace

  1. Thank you for sharing your story. I pray you feel better about releasing this garbage. As you noted, Frank knew what he did was wrong! Sister, we need to STOP blaming the victim (ourselves)! Pot calling the kettle black – I know. For me, I’m looking for something to give back the control taken from me. Truth – we couldn’t have known. It wasn’t our fault. We live in a sinful & fallen world with evil perps like Frank! Christ’s peace. I’m glad you are here. I’m glad you shared your story. Thank you Lord. Continue to give her grace and courage. Amen!

    • Thank u so much Karen!!! I couldn’t have done it without the strength that reading your story gave me! The devil keeps us locked in ourselves by telling so many lies like.. Your the only one, you deserved what u got for being in the wrong place, or worrying about what people will think! I’m so glad I’m not listening to his lies anymore! I’m ready for healing! God bless!!

      • Amen! When I read your post I knew you weren’t Frank’s only vicitim – it could not be the first or the last time he raped someone. You could not have known because only “Frank” and perhaps his friends knew what was going to happen!

        It seemed to be such an obvious conclusion that your story prompted me to re-read my own story. I was absolutely dumb founded to realize for the first time in my life that I couldn’t have been the first or last victim of my “frank” and other perps – it was too calculated- too smooth. I have not idea how many women they may have lured to this apartment but it seemed so obvoius that it must have been a regular occurance for them to do to the “summer help”.

        For a sanity check, I asked my husband and friend who both agreed and said they knew that to be true the first time they read my story. I can’t believe I was so blinded by shame that I thought myself to be the only victim. I’m curious did you have the same thought when yo read my story?

        It is so important to tell these stories and know we are not alone!

  2. WOW! I don’t know where to start. on one level I want to hold you and tell you it’s alright.It’s over and he can’t hurt you anymore.On another level I want to find Frank. I know. I know .Justice is mine…but sometimes I feel that God might want to delegate a little.And even on another level you need to know that you are completely innocent of any wrong. I do not understand how a man could do that.How could anyone , male or female “want” some one who has no desire for them?That boggles my mind?

    But there is one more thing.God has good things in store for you.I could not understand why so many bad things happened in my life until I ended up where I am today.Now I know God manipulated my life so that I would be capable and available to do what He wants. Be blessed. Stay strong.

    • Thank you so much for the support! It means so much to me. I do understand “other level” feeling even though I know it says.. Justice is mine. I have to be very careful about movies or documentaries that I watch especially on human trafficking and things on the issues of rape because I just want to go vigilant some times!! It is a very difficult subject for women and to know that there are good men out there who couldn’t fathom ever doing the likes is very refreshing. I know there are still good men out there but sometimes its very hard to see!

      I do agree with you that God has an awesome plan for my life and I am excited to see it unfold as the healing is taking place! He definitely has a way of bringing us to our knees so that we can crawl to the foot of the cross. He so desires to pick us up and hold us but our stubborn nature sometimes inhibits that! I look at the Israelite’s in the New Testament and am encouraged to know that through their stubbornness God still deeply desired a relationship with them! That is deep love and something I can not even fathom most of the time but am so deeply thankful for!

      Again thank you for your comment and encouragement! God bless!

      • You’re right. Gods love is unconditional. Even if we don’t acknowledge Him. Even if we ignore Him. Even if we don’t know Him. Even if we forget He is there He loves us. The only love I can equate that to is the love a dog has for his master. Doesn’t say much for humanity.

      • hahaha so true!! I haven’t found anything that equates other than a dogs love either! But I have seen it in other people… my mom and step-dad are a wonderful example for me and I am thankful that God brought me back up where they live so that I can see their love unfold more and more each day. Its not easy for them… my mom finally admitted to 31 years of abuse during my stay at the women’s shelter when I left my husband. It is so amazing the feelings one feels to know that everything that you thought you knew growing up about love life and everything was a messed up lie! God brought my mom and I through it and I am so glad that she is happy and has someone to love and shelter her.

        Is that your dog on the top of your blog?

      • P.S…. despite what you may think or feel you seem to be doing a pretty good job showing your father unconditional love! Even when he doesn’t want to acknowledge you… or ignores you… or when he forgets you are there for him! It takes a pretty strong man that is grounded in his faith and looking to his Heavenly Father for love, direction and support to get through it!

  3. Amanda Sue, my heart goes out to you. You are a brave woman to face your fears and your pain and to speak of it. Also, I want to address one thing you said… You made the statement that you wanted your readers to know that you’re not an innocent person. I too, felt that way for many years. Though I wasn’t raped, I was molested by my stepfather, who was really a daddy to me.

    I remember when I was going through counseling, that my counselor made the comment that he had stolen my innocence, and I straight up told her that I had NEVER been innocent. I really felt that way, until the Lord began to speak to me and show me something different. Beloved, even though you may have had sex prior to this occurrence, you were still INNOCENT.

    One of the scriptures that I clung to (ok – I still cling to it, as there are a lot of missing memories still) is found in Psalm 51:6 – Behold, You desire truth in the innermost being, And in the hidden part You will make me know wisdom. (NASB) My friend, so many times those of us who have been victimized blame ourselves for what happened, but that only creates more damage to our soul and spirit. In order to receive complete healing and deliverance, you must know and acknowledge the truth.

    For some crazy reason, it’s always easier for us to blame ourselves for what happened, than it is to place the blame where it belongs. It is good for us to acknowledge what we did wrong, confess it, repent and move on with our lives. But we must also step back and look at what happened to us through someone else’s eyes. Beloved, go back and re-read your story, only don’t look at yourself, imagine that this is your daughter’s story, or a friend’s story. How would you respond to that child or friend? What comfort would you offer that person? Do you find that you have more compassion for others than for yourself? Then, after you think of it, write a response to yourself (you don’t have to publish it if you don’t want to, but do write the response) as though you were your daughter, your friend, or even a complete stranger.

    Beloved, forgive yourself and set yourself free. I’m so sorry for the long response (no I’m not, because I feel the Holy Spirit leading me in this response). I pray the Lord blesses you abundantly, as you continue to heal, and my friend, I know He will use this post to heal other women as well.

    One more thing… Zephaniah 3:17 is also one of my life verses, and I’d like to share this version with you: The Lord your God in your midst, The Mighty One, will save; He will rejoice over you with gladness, He will quiet you with His love, He will rejoice over you with singing. (NKJV) I love that He will quiet you with His love and He will rejoice over you with singing. I pray that You feel His comforting arms around you as He quiets your wounded spirit with His love, and rejoices over you with singing… Many blessings to you!

    Love,
    Cheryl

    • Thank you so much Cheryl for those powerful words! I am going to work on a response right now like you suggested. I may post it or just let it sink into my being.

      Thank you so much for the verses as well! The spoke volumes to me!

      Im sorry you went through abuse as well from someone that was supposed to be a daddy to you! Can I ask how you got past it all and could see your heavenly father in a correct light? My father was abusive, more emotional and psychologically manipulative than physical but I have learned the hard way that physical heals a heck of a lot quicker than all the rest! I would love to stay in touch with you and get your feedback on different things.

      • My email address is cshowers@live.com. Please email me anytime. I would love to talk to you. I believe God is going to do mighty things in you and through you. You’ve already come a long, long way, just by speaking out about your abuse. 🙂

      • Hi Cheryl! I completed your “assignment”! =)
        I actually ended up writing a letter to the young me and though I was worried my computer would get water logged with all the tears it was so worth it!! I will write you via email soon! Thank you so much! God bless!

  4. Pingback: Letter to “Mini-me” « beautifulmess916

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