Have you ever wanted to write, truly wanted to get things down that were running through your head but you just didn’t know where to start… This is me lately!
I have 3-4 things in my drafts that I have started but either due to time constraints or just not being ready to finish the process of writing them they just sit in the draft folder…
Today I woke up and just have an on edge feeling. My poor mom keeps asking me what’s wrong and I wish I could pin point why I am feeling the way that I am.
I think part of it is work related. I just started a fairly new job as the front desk clerk at a hotel and though I catch on to new jobs very quickly I feel that I am being pushed and expected to know more than I do right now. I have made some errors and they feel that I should have known what to do in the circumstances. I come home and share my frustrations … I truly love my mom and step-dad because they are my support system, they are my fighters, they are my bulldogs! Yet their opinion is marred by their closeness to me and loyalties sometimes. They want to protect me and not have me go through these trials that I am right now. I know that I am at this job for a reason and it makes it hard when they say I shouldn’t put up with the way things are at work. I want to learn to be content somewhere but I don’t know how. Do I have the feelings of discontent because its not where Im supposed to be? Or am I just discontent in my life and where Im at so it comes through in all aspects of my life?
These are hard questions to answer and I am the kind of person that likes answers and things all laid out nice and neat.
Another reason I could be on edge is the holiday season fast approaching. I have always desired a love for the holidays however it always seemed to elude me… I always desired family traditions and a picture perfect time with family and friends… are my expectations to high in this dysfunctional world?
It feels like the holidays are driven now by commercials for the newest, latest and greatest gadget that you just have to get. Retail stores are opening now ON Thanksgiving to give us something to do instead of spending time with the dysfunctional families that we have come to despise spending time with. And people are acquiring more only to become even more discontent with the things that they already have and disillusioned into thinking that they need something more to fill that hole that was once content with the gadget.
Or it could be the fact that I am still legally married to a man that didn’t want me or to get the help that it would take to keep us together and he still has that hold on me even after 5 1/2 years! I have served him papers 3 times but to no avail I am still stuck in this holding pattern and it is getting so old.
So when I have these on edge feelings and want to just run away from it all…. how do I effectively identify which one is making me feel this way?
How do I rest in the One who knows all these feelings and has only the best for me in mind?
How do I depend on these arms to have me when I can’t see them?
When I can’t feel their protective love wrapping me in an embrace and telling me that it will all be ok?
How do I stop the flow of tears wondering if I will forever be alone because of a bad decision that I made, gambling on love and loosing everything?