A sweet encouraging woman responded to my blog post
In her comment she said a profound thing that I had never even thought about…
“You made the statement that you wanted your readers to know that you’re not an innocent person.I too, felt that way for many years. Though I wasn’t raped, I was molested by my stepfather, who was really a daddy to me.
I remember when I was going through counseling, that my counselor made the comment that he had stolen my innocence, and I straight up told her that I had NEVER been innocent. I really felt that way, until the Lord began to speak to me and show me something different. Beloved, even though you may have had sex prior to this occurrence, you were still INNOCENT.
One of the scriptures that I clung to (ok – I still cling to it, as there are a lot of missing memories still) is found in Psalm 51:6 – Behold, You desire truth in the innermost being, And in the hidden part You will make me know wisdom. (NASB) My friend, so many times those of us who have been victimized blame ourselves for what happened, but that only creates more damage to our soul and spirit. In order to receive complete healing and deliverance, you must know and acknowledge the truth.
For some crazy reason, it’s always easier for us to blame ourselves for what happened, than it is to place the blame where it belongs. It is good for us to acknowledge what we did wrong, confess it, repent and move on with our lives. But we must also step back and look at what happened to us through someone else’s eyes. Beloved, go back and re-read your story, only don’t look at yourself, imagine that this is your daughter’s story, or a friend’s story. How would you respond to that child or friend? What comfort would you offer that person? Do you find that you have more compassion for others than for yourself? Then, after you think of it, write a response to yourself (you don’t have to publish it if you don’t want to, but do write the response) as though you were your daughter, your friend, or even a complete stranger.”
Tears streamed down my face as I read the words that she wrote I knew that she was right, that God had given her the words that he knew would touch my heart and help me to continue the healing process. You see my name means Beloved… whether she knew that or not God did. And God knows how I have struggled with the meaning of my name. I have loved it and yet not felt worthy of the name for to many years of my life.
My mind repeatedly goes to the past and the “I wish I hadn’t done that…”, “I wish that had been the only time..”, “I wish I didn’t have such a messed up life..”, “I wish I could change that..” and “I wish I didn’t feel this way.” But life can’t be lived with “I wishes” and “What if’s”
It is my life, it is my past and I want to be free!
Cheryl mentioned in her comment that I had made sure everyone knew I wasn’t innocent and that this statement wasn’t true. She said that I was being to hard on myself and she challenged me to write a response to my post as if it was my daughter, a friend or even a complete stranger.
I couldn’t imagine it happening to my daughter at this point because I would probably want to go out and find the prick and cut off his pecker!
So what would I say?
What would I say to myself? The young me that just couldn’t seem to find love no matter how hard she looked….
I would tell her I’m sorry! I would tell her that from childhood what others said about her was wrong! I would tell her that she is not fat, stupid, ugly, unlovable, obstinate, annoying, rebellious, or hateful. What others said were all lies and you believed them because it was all you were hearing and I’m sorry!
You truly are beautiful and have a wonderful spirit that loves others and seeks to find the best in others even when they don’t deserve it! You discerned when things were not right and for that you were shunned by your father unless you took his manipulative side. You so desired his love, attention and affection but you only got it when you were doing things according to him. I’m sorry!
People touched you in ways that they never should have and I want you to know its not your fault! It is not healthy or a correct way to show love and you grew up thinking that by letting others touch you that it showed them you cared for them and loved them. These people are to blame for this and it is ok to be angry with them. Just try not to take it out on the ones that truly love you and help you, like your mom! She would give anything to take away the pain that you are feeling because she has been there too. She just doesn’t know how to tell you because you always lash out at her. She will be your biggest cheerleader and help you through the most painful experience in your life! This experience is what will bring you back to God the most and he will show you miracles that will truly change your world!
I also want you to know that God loves you! All those times you went in Sunday school and got “saved”, He knows! He has held you in his arms and weeps for you and the injustices that were done to you. It was not His plan, His doing or His will for your life. God gave people a free will and sometimes bad people inflict their will on people.
But know this, God wants to restore those years and give you back your joy! All you have to do is give it all to Him! Give Him each and every injustice, each and every time you were taken advantage of and each face that did you wrong and lay it at the foot of the cross! There is a man named Jesus that died for you before you were even thought of by humans. He knew that you would need a savior! He knew that you would need a friend! You know Jesus, He held your heart from a young age and He will always love you no matter what happens!
Mini Me please know that I love you!
I am sorry that I have held all of this against you for far to long!
I am learning to take the things I grew up thinking were truths and accessing them to see for sure if they hold up to God and His word. Unfortunately most of the things I grew up learning and thinking are very, very flawed! But I am growing, I am forgiving, and I am feeling freer with each passing day!
It is a struggle to let people in, I know, but mini-me let them in! Even if they end up hurting you in the end, not all of them will! And you will find some amazing friends that will help you down your journey, they will cry with you, they will hold you and encourage you to continue the fight! Please tell them when you are weak so they can pray for you because we can’t do it on our own no matter how much we wish we could! God didn’t make us to do life alone but to come together in a healthy and wholesome way. Mini-me, don’t hold people at arms length and only show them so much because you are afraid of what they might think! God brought them into your life for a reason and as long as you are not finding the friends that you had previously that just took advantage of you and wanted to party with you then you will find good people that God ordains to be in your life.
And most importantly… that night in the hotel, the other times that you said no and the guys didn’t listen to you or grant you your request to stop and let you go… It is not your fault! I’m so sorry that I put you in those places because I was rebelling against everything in my life. I’m so sorry that I blamed your naivety and thirst for love for why these things happened. They were bad men who took advantage of you because they saw something good in you and wanted to exploit it, crush it and kill it! Its what the Devil does best but he has failed with you because you never allowed yourself to be crushed, just bruised, you lived through these horrible things and have come out on the other side!
Mini-me… not all men are bad! Let God direct your steps and trust Him in this area of your life. I know that you are afraid to let yourself love because you don’t want to go through the same things again but you are taking the right steps to healing. You are seeking after God and His will for your life. God has protected you from so much and these last 5 years have been lonely but it has been the best thing for you. To do things on your own because its been to long since arms have encircled you and held you only leads to the pain and heartache from before. One night in the arms of a stranger is not worth the leaps and bounds you have come down the path of healing! Its not worth it!
So Mini-me… Please know that you are loved, you are precious and you are free! You are a fighter and I know you are tired. I know that you don’t know what to fight against or for anymore! Let God fight for you! Give it all to Him and watch life unfold!
Love you more than mostest!!