God never fails to overwhelm me ( in a good way! ) with how amazing His love is for us!
When we seek HIM with all our hearts we will find Him, His will and abundant plan for our lives!
Often times when there is silence, from Him or others we think that they have forgotten about us or that they don’t care. Yet with God its NEVER that! His ways are not ours neither is His thoughts… even my best laid out plan pales in comparison to the story He wants to unfold in my life!
And my plans were pretty good too! I wanted to take a TEFL (Teaching English as a Foreign Language) course in the next couple months and eventually go back to India in the next year or so. Noble desires so I figured and trusted that all would fall into place. That I would move back up to New York, have the church starting the orphanage reach out to me in the moving process, get involved in the church that helped start the orphanage, and eventually minister to the beautiful girls of Pune, India! However, things didn’t play out as I had anticipated. Though there was a few times of contact with the church there was no continuous communication like planned, no reach out of welcome like I had prayed for and desired, and most of all when I finally mentioned it all to them there was absolutely NO response. It was a hard things to swallow Im not even going to lie or sugar coat it!
For those of you who have read my other posts you know my past and the struggles I have overcome with God’s saving grace, mercy and love! Yet through it all I still have struggled with the emotional aftermath of going through those things. One of my big struggles is feeling that I am unworthy of pretty much anything let alone any kind of ministry!
In my head I knew God saved me.
In my head I had read how God used the unlikely-est people in the Bible!
In my head I knew that I was willing and wanted to be used by God.
But in my heart I still felt dirty and unworthy.
In my heart I always felt just on the brink of being exposed as a fraud… for who I used to be.
Those things in my heart affected how I went about seeking ministry opportunities and ultimately whether I felt worthy of being a part of them.
Their silence only intensified the feelings that they must not find me worthy either thus perpetuating the cycle of feelings of unworthy-ness and ultimately abandonment. Whether this is what they intended or not it is what went on in my head and emotions. I’m sure they never intended for me to go through all of that.
Let me just say though that it was NEVER GODS INTENTIONS FOR ME TO FEEL THAT WAY!!
He is a GOOD God. There is no evil in Him!
The world however is filled with evil, heart breaking moments, that tear a person down till there isn’t much left to work with.
God is the only one that can take the pieces of our broken heart, life and emotions. He slowly molds them and shapes them so that we see His truths and not the worlds lies. He begins to heal the past hurts, hangups and uses it for HIS good!
I am praying for just that!
About a week ago after really understanding that the India door is closed right now, I started looking into other ministries that I felt God could use me in.
Whenever I am in my car I listen to KLOVE christian radio station as it is encouraging uplifting music that speaks to my soul. Several times in the last month there was testimonies about how Teen Challenge had changed a persons life who was addicted to drugs or alcohol. I would find myself wishing there had been something like that when I was going through all my struggles. I would feel a pull to look up their website and research it more. May be even see if they had any openings in the area.
I would get distracted with life and the day to day things that take over.
Well one day last week I decided that I knew God had more for me than what I was settling for right now… Don’t get me wrong some people are called to work regular day jobs such as Wal-Mart, grocery stores, gas stations, fast food restaurants and even hotels! We definitely need those people and there calling or desire to do them, either for a season or for a career. There is nothing wrong with that at all! I totally respect them and sometimes envy people like that because I am not hard wired that way!
There is something in me that knows I am supposed to be ministering and serving others though its not to ask them if they would like fries with that! As the body of Christ we are all called to different things and to be used in different ways. We couldn’t have all feet as the body or everyone would be going and no one staying to minister to the people in their area needing to know of God’s amazing saving grace!
I know God wants to take all that has happened to me and use it for His good and His GLORY! The only way that He can do that is if I am willing to go where ever it is He wants me.
The cool thing that I am learning in this process though is He even takes the littlest pondering and likes that we have deep in our heart and considers them too! Its like an extra bonus to show us and continually remind us that HE made us! He knows the number of hairs on our heads so wouldn’t He even more know that I am more of a mountain girl than beach? Of course He does!!
All of these ramblings to say that He has directed and opened the doors for me to possibly minister to women doing an internship through Teen Challenge! I am SUPER excited about this opportunity and anticipate seeing God work out all the details! Because like He keeps reminding me… He’s got it!
Romans 8:28 says….
” And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good,
for those who are called according to his purpose.”
In Sarah Young’s devotional, Jesus Calling, December 11th says it so well!
“I am working on your behalf. Bring me all your concerns, including your dreams! Talk with me about everything, letting the light of my presence shine on your hopes and dreams. Spend time allowing My Light to infuse your dreams with life, gradually transforming them into reality. This is a very practical way of collaborating with Me. I, the Creator of the universe, have deigned to co-create with you. Do not try to hurry this process. If you want to work with Me, you have to accept My time frame. Hurry is not in My nature. Abraham and Sarah had to wait many years for the fulfillment of My promise. a son. How their long wait intensified their enjoyment of this child! Faith is the assurance of things hoped for, perceiving as real fact what is not revealed to the senses. “
“For with you is the fountain of life: in your light we see light”
I want your will and I want to be where you want me! Shed your light on my path and direct each step I take! Thank you for showing us that though the world may think we have failed for not knowing what we want to do or where God wants us your timing is not our timing and if we want to work with you we have to accept that You are the one that knows the time frame! Keep me trusting you that all things will fall into place in the right time. Your will be done!