As my new friend said this statement I laughed out loud! Why would anyone be afraid of succeeding??
Yet I look at my life and see all of the things I left undone… the jobs I left because I got bored with them. The relationships I left along the way because they were just too hard to salvage.
Could I really be afraid of something actually going right in my life?
As I am setting out on this new endeavor of being an intern for a year with Teen Challenge it has brought many things to light for me already! The warm welcome I received was amazing! They had been working with just one live-in intern and since she had been sick off and on for the last month many of the other staff were having to pitch in and help. They say I was a God-send. And though I believe that is true based on how quickly God brought about the possibility for me to even come out here. It is still a hard thing to grasp!
In my head I know that I am a hard worker, that I catch on quickly, that I am an asset and that I have some amazing ideas to help benefit this ministry. Yet in my heart I am realizing that I am still living in the abandoned, unworthy lie that the devil has feed me for far to long! It is a hard mindset to free yourself from! Many times in my life I wouldn’t do certain things because I thought it would be a guaranteed fail. Yet others see the things that I have done, such as go to India and volunteer at an orphanage for 6 months or go 2195 miles to Missoula, Montana to intern as amazing endeavors! One would think that I would have shy-ed away from such things because of that fear of failure…
Or better yet.. the fear of Success!
The only answer I can come up with is that I didn’t shy away from the above things because it was all about God working it out in my life. When I give Him total and absolute control then He is free to take me places that I would not ordinarily pick for myself. Then reality hits once I get to these places and instead of continuing my trust in God and letting His plan unfold I slowly start taking control back of little areas and that leads to doing things in my own strength. When this happens I start looking at all of the ideas that I have for Teen Challenge and it overwhelms me!
I don’t want to step on any toes or suggest things that have already been tried so it is hard stepping into an organization that has been around for many years. They are in a transition of going from a works based program to more of one that focuses on the heart issues, processing through the heart issue and showing love, grace and mercy helping each women through this time in her life. This really is the best time to be called here since there are many new things coming together.
I am an imperfect perfectionist as my “about me” states. I desire perfection in all that I do but 99.9% of the time I do not attain my own desire of perfection. I am way harder on myself that anyone else could even imagine! I desire to do things great and when I feel that I can’t or won’t be able to do it 100% then I find myself pulling back or basically “failing” before I actually fail.
Does this make any sense at all?!
When I was in junior high, I was became more and more overweight. Due to lots of health problems I was constantly sick and always gaining weight. Boys in school could be so cruel! So could the girls! My way of coping was to make fun of myself before they did so it wouldn’t hurt so bad. If I said it first then anything they said wouldn’t hurt me… dysfunctional thinking I know. In my child- like state of mind if I put myself down before them then it wouldn’t hurt quite as bad. If I degraded myself for not being able to do something in gym class then it wouldn’t hurt as bad when the skinny girls made snide comments. As you grow up you don’t realize how much that affects the adult you until you run smack into the wall of self-examination.
God brings to light these things so that I might heal. He doesn’t want to leave me there festering in the past hurts that I didn’t even know still existed. The thing that I know is that those people who were mean when I was growing up don’t think about what they did or said to me when we were growing up. They aren’t holding on to it and its not affecting their lives. So why should I continue to let it affect mine?
I have so many awesome ideas for this next year and possibly longer! I don’t want to live this year in fear of succeeding! I want it to be an amazing year where God uses my talents and gifts that he has built into me when He knit me in my mother’s womb. I want to be a willing vessel to learn how to live a life to the fullest! To not look back at the past with pain and a grimace but with a thankful heart that knows much love, grace and forgiveness!
The ladies and I were watching this movie the other day and it so spoke to me on several levels…
In the movie Sandra Bullock was the high school prom queen and probably made some of the girls lives hell… in one scene she is looking for a job at an agency and the person she is asking for help had been a big girl in high school. Her nickname had been “Polka Dot”… nicknames can be so cruel! She still held the animosity and hurt from way back then. It gave her pleasure to see Sandra’s character squirm and have to beg for a job. Though I have wondered what it would be like getting “revenge” like that I know that I don’t want to be that kind of person. I want to let it go now so that I am free to live.
The other thing that touched home was the feelings that Sandra’s character was feeling as her husband had been cheating on her and left her for another women. The feelings and emotions that a person goes through when that happens is so great! Her world went from being great to having to go home to her momma and mourn the lose of her dream family. But she is strong and she does it, becoming a better person through it all, more compassionate to others and she learns to love again!
There were so many awesome parallels to this movie and my life! I want to become healthy and whole! I don’t want to be afraid of succeeding and I definitely don’t want to be afraid to love again!