Lies that I believed about God

The lies I believed about God

As you grow up from a child to an adult many things can shape your view of life in general and also what you believe to be true about religion and God. The people in your life play a huge part of shaping what you will believe as truth. If their views of God and life are distorted it goes with our saying that your views will most likely be tainted.

I grew up in a newly Christian home that was based on many lies, secrets and law. My mom was always told that our business as a family was no one elses business and you were to never let anything “out of the bag” because others would view you in a bad light. The problem with that view was that nothing was ever done with the dysfunction and it just left the family members to sit around and gossip about each other instead of actually seeking to help each other.

As a child I would view these things when the aunts got together to visit. One aunt wouldn’t be there so they were the topic of discussion. They would sit there and bash anything and everything that they felt was going wrong in this aunts life but never try and help her to see the problem or help her. When that aunt was present and another one gone then they became the topic of discussion. I remember my mom sitting out there until every aunt went to bed, making sure she was the last one to bed so they could not or would not talk about her. I then followed in her footsteps as I got older and was invited to sit in on the aunts/ grandma’s adult “discussions”. By then it began to include the cousins and what they were doing to mess up their lives.

In this instant, my young mind came to the conclusion that NO ONE was trustwrothy, not even God. If he was trustworthy then why would he give me a family that hurt each other so much? Even as a young child I saw the harmful effects that gossip caused and knew that if family did that to each other then no one was safe.

Another example as a child that I see shaped my view of God was in my relationship with my father. My father was a great provider for our family. He worked a job that he absolutely hated for 30some years just to put food on the table for us, a roof over our heads and clothes on our backs. He was affectionate at times but it was usually when he wanted something. If you did something wrong you then had to earn your standing back with him over time. He tried to buy our love as children and that confused me very much. After he “bought” our love he would remind us of all the things that he has done for us and provided for my siblings and I. It was always conditional and our faces were rubbed in it to remind us that he was the one that could give and take away. He had my sister and I convinced that my mother was emotionally unstable, unfit and treated him horribly.

My view of God then became that God was a conditional, easily angered if not obeyed, provide for your needs, some of your wants but then would remind you of this when you did something wrong or worse would take it away from you kind of God. Again this type of God could not be trusted but was feared wondering if I could please Him enough to keep his love and affection.

My mom used to tell me a story of how every Sunday when they would give an alter call in childrens church I would go forward to get saved. We laugh about it now but tonight I want to weep because even as a child, I yearned for a God that would love and accept me unconditionally. I was so scared that I may have done something to sin against God during the week and not be in right standing with Him, like I so easily messed up and became out of my earthly fathers love so often.

I have written before about my childhood illness and how that affected from age 6-12 years. Honestly the aftermath of those years played out into not only junior high and high school but my early adult years and now. During the illness I gained a large amount of weight very quickly and let me tell you that children are so cruel… though I am sure you know this already as you may still have scarres that remain from things said to you whether you were too skinny, too fat, too short, too tall or anything else in between that someone could use to put you down and hurt you. I know the wound is probably still there because as a child we are never told how to let it go… other than to scream back “Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me!!”

FALSE!!!

It says in Proverbs 18:21

Easy-to-Read Version (ERV)

The tongue can speak words that bring life or death.

Those who love to talk must be ready to accept what it brings.

So my view of God was that He would not be my protector. My view was that He was this distant old man up in heaven that couldn’t even stop mean children from saying such hurtful things. I believed I some how deserved what the kids said about me, my weight and who I was. If I wasn’t so horrible then God would love me unconditionallly and protect me from the words spoken that pierced my child like heart with each word. I learned to beat kids to the punch line and put myself down first. That really made them gawk, not knowing what to say in response!

Again with the sickness, we had prayed for healing more times that I can even remember or count. It never happened. I was told by those people that as a child I must not have enough faith…

Again this tainted my view of God and how it says in the bible that He sent Jesus to heal us. Yet again I internalized this thinking that there was something I did wrong or could have done better to earn his favor and healing.

Lastly for tonight is the lie that I believed that other people were allowed to touch my body as a child in inappopriate ways and that this was ok. Even though in my heart and mind it did not feel right, as a child you come to the point where you wonder if what you think is right and wrong is totally wrong because these people in your life wouldn’t deliberately hurt you would they?? I was so disillusioned that my early pre-teen and teenage years were filled with such anger, rage and a deep desire to be loved, even if it was just one person.

Again this lie that I believed was that God did not care about what was happening to me and that this was just the way that people showed love and affection. If you loved a boy then you let him touch you in places because then it showed them you cared. This is such a lie from the pit of hell and the sad thing is that there are so many women in the world today that this has happened to and think the same thing.

What I am learning is the truth of who God is…

God is my perfect heavenly father that loves to give His children good gifts!

James 1:17

Everything good comes from God. Every perfect gift is from him. These good gifts come down from the Father who made all the lights in the sky. But God never changes like the shadows from those lights. He is always the same.

Also from the verse above.. He is never changing! HE is the same yesterday today and forever!!

I also know that He was there when I was in pain, sad, angry, hurt and alone…

Deuteronomy 31:6

Be strong and courageous.

Do not fear or be in dread of them,

for it is the Lord your God who goes with you.

He will not leave you or forsake you.”

I know that my name means “beloved” and that is no coincidence!

Romans 9:25

As indeed he says in Hosea, “Those who were not my people I will call ‘my people,’ and her who was not beloved I will call ‘beloved.’”

I know that there is nothing that I can do to make God love me more than He already does!

Romans 5:8

But God shows his love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us.

I know that I am saved by grace and that nothing I could do could make God love me less or more.

Ephesians 2:8-9

For you are saved by grace through faith, and this is not from yourselves;

it is God’s gift—not from works, so that no one can boast.

And above all, I know that God can redeem those years that I believed lies and walked in darkness.

Psalm 31:5

Into Your hand I entrust my spirit;

You redeem me, Lord, God of truth.

So when I start to go back to those old lies that I believed as a child I can now read this and continue to learn from God’s word who His real character is. The more that I learn about His character the more I will walk in the righteousness that He has already bestowed upon each and every person who believes on His name!

Advertisements

When what you have based your beliefs on isn’t working for you…

A dear friend and mentor recently told me that there is a flaw some where in my foundation thus the reason I sought to fill my God shaped hole with everything but Him for so long and struggled with truly trusting Him with everything in my life. I used to pride myself that I would trust God to go over to India, that I would trust Him to provide for my every need while I was there. Yet as it is written in:  Proverbs 16:18

Pride goes before destruction, and a haughty spirit before a fall.
I wasn’t intentionally walking with pride however it was there none the less. God has been trying to gently show me the many areas that I haven’t trusted him, with my time, with relationships, and with my body. When I got sick as a child some people came from the church that we were attending and prayed for me. I wasn’t instantly healed nor did I heal over time so their way of justifying the lack of healing was to tell a small child that she did not have enough faith. To have that crack in my foundation for so long left me struggling when others would ask me to lay hands on them and pray for healing or a specific thing they were struggling in their life. I would internally question my prayer and wonder how I could pray for healing for them and have the amount of faith necessary when I didn’t have the correct amount as a child. The awesome thing that I am learning is that this was a lie that I believed for way to long! It was a way that the devil could keep me bound and ineffective in a gifting that God has potentially given to me. If the devil can cause things in our lives that keeps us ineffective for a time he, in his mind, has won and if we allow him to keep us there because of bitterness and anger, he does win.
God has other plans for his children though! God wants to make you better not bitter! During this season in my life I am learning that God has already won the battle but it is time for me and his other children to get on the same page and declare our freedom, independence and triumph over the devil.
I recently saw a saying that said,
The devil knows your name but he calls you by your sin.
God knows your sin but He calls you by your name!
(Author unknown)
It is so true! So often we let the devil keep us paralyzed pointing out all of the things that we have done wrong in our lives even when we have turned our lives over to Jesus. Y’all the devil has already been disarmed! We just have to remember that and then in turn remind the devil when he comes at us!
In Colossians 2:13-15 it says:
13 And you, who were dead in your trespasses and the uncircumcision of your flesh,
God made alive together with him, having forgiven us all our trespasses, 
14 by canceling the record of debt that stood against us with its legal demands.
This he set aside, nailing it to the cross.
15 He disarmed the rulers and authorities and put them to open shame,
by triumphing over them in him.
Because Jesus has already paid the price I can walk boldly into the presence of the Almighty God without any guilt, condemnation or expectation of punishment because of the cross, the price Jesus paid for my sins. Now I can have an intimacy with the all powerful, all knowing infinite creator of the whole universe.
I have lived my life too long in the past, constantly recalling the things that I have done, the things done to me and how that should separate me from this amazing God who sent His son for me while I was still walking in my own sin. Who am I to keep myself there when the God of the universe says that He remembers them no more!!
“Our God came, died a cruel death on the cross
and paid the full debt of sin with His own life
so that you and I can reign in life today!”
“Destined to Reign” by Joseph Prince
So what do you do when you have cracks in your foundation?
Do you apply the caulk of just self-help books and what others say you should or shouldn’t believe?
Or do you run to the word of God and to the foot of the cross?
I want to learn who I am in God through studying His word, spending time in His presence, worshiping my Savior for the work He has already finished. I want to rest easy knowing He has won the battle, I will stop depending on my self-efforts to make me “good enough” or worthy to be called His daughter”. I am already good enough and a worthy beloved heir to His throne. This knowledge sets me free to minister to others because I am not doing it for them or their approval, or even for God’s acceptance and approval.
” God’s grace does not make you lazy and unproductive. On the contrary, it makes you labor more abundantly for His glory. Apostle Paul, a preacher of God’s grace and the finished work of Jesus, said that he, “labored more abundantly than they all”. In the new covenant, God’s way is to bless you first, and the knowledge of His blessing gives you the power to labor more abundantly. In other words… we do not labor to BE BLESSED, but rather, we have the power to labor BECAUSE we are already blessed!”
Destined to Reign
Joseph Prince

God’s perfect team includes you!

Intern Intensive- What I learned

God made us for teams- His team Father, Son, Holy Ghost

Devil tries isolating us from others to reduce our effectiveness.

God has invited us to join His perfect team!

As a child in gym class there was such an anxiety that came with gym class let alone when it was a class that involved the choosing of teams! Due to a sickness and Dr.’s error when I was little my body took a hit in many ways. One of them being physically and the gaining of quite a bit of weight in a very short amount of time. I spent most of 5-6 years very sick and attempted to find out the reasons by going to pretty much every Doctor in the Waterloo area. In 4th and 5th grade I can vividly remember my gym teacher making comments that broke my child-like heart. He would say that I was going to end up pregnant by the time that I was 16 years old, that I was worthless, fat, lazy and not worth being on any team because I would just mess up, hold them back and make them loose.

Imagine as a child being told these things! Then one experience after another happening where I messed up, or held a team back, or as I gained more weight how those words just solidified in my mind as truth.

What were you told as a child?

It may have not even been someone super influential in your life but for some reason their opinion of you stuck out in your mind way more than any positive affirmations and shaped what you thought of yourself.

How did this lie that was believed shape your view of team work?

For me I didn’t even realize that it had shaped my view of teams and how much I hated teamwork because I didn’t want to be the reason a team failed. I truly believed if failure happened it was all my fault, no matter how much I had done to avoid it or how hard I had worked. In my mind it was better to be a lone ranger, independent, self-sufficient, self-reliant and disconnected to anything group related. If I did this then it really was no bodies fault but my own if I failed and I wouldn’t have to see the disapproving looks of a team who wanted to point out how I had failed them.

I see how this also affected many areas in my life currently. As an intern in the Teen Challenge program there are many aspects and teams that I am a part of. As an intern I am a part of the Staff team. It has been a challenge for me to effectively be a solid part of this team completely because of my childhood fears and lies believed coming back in the corners of my mind.

What if I fail them, or do something wrong?

What if I disappoint a staff by saying I can’t do something they ask me to do?

How can I possibly trust them with every aspect of my life when it was my “leader” who said such horrible mean things to me as a child?

So for some time, as I learned that I needed to learn to trust I fought that internal voice and attempted to reach out in faith and work as a team. An assignment we had to complete for the schooling part of this internship was the book 17 Principles of a Team Player and it was an amazing book! I really did learn so much from it however not having this insight to my childhood memory soon made it easy for me to point fingers at how other team members didn’t appear to me as being team players. I never realized I was becoming resentful that I had to be the good team player while everyone else continued in their “dysfunction” as I saw it.

During the Intern Intensive I was told that I have to be the change that I want to see and that hit me square between the eyes! At first I was offended and began to write the comment off, however God spoke to my heart before I could completely disregard the comment. God said to me that it is only my responsibility to do my best, to be the best team player that I can, to trust Him and leave the rest up to Him! It is when we get our eyes off of our self and start comparing that the devil gets a foot hold in to make us ineffective. We are so focused on what others are or are not doing correctly and usually undermine them because of our superior belief that we have it all together! How far from the truth we are! Every individual is growing and at different places spiritually than we are. Every person has their own thorn in the flesh that they are dealing with and striving to overcome. In such a close knit setting as Teen Challenge these thorns or struggles are magnified a hundred times over because of the bubble affect we are in.

As an individual I need to be willing to open my hands and say God, “ Use me each and every day for your glory! Teach me to keep my eyes trained on my own faults, hang ups and insecurities, not pointing fingers at other team members but instead lifting them up in prayer, interceding on their behalf. Lord help me to be the change that I want to see!”

As a team member of the most amazing team alive, I need to seek to know this team intimately. I need to understand that Team God wants the best for me, even when His best is painful, lonely and refining. When I seek to know this team to the best of my ability then I am able to work best with all of the other teams that God has placed in my life. I have to learn that Team God is all powerful, perfect in all ways and He resides in me!That though I have those memories of always being chosen last in gym class that God first chose me! While I was imperfect, a dirty mess and unlovely, He saw my true potential because He made me.

God has given us more power than we even know or are willing to admit. All He requires is that we ask, seek Him and He will give us the desires of our heart because those desires become His desires when we learn to abide in Him.

Oh… and the other thing that He wants is for us to ask and not doubt or waver in our asking. What child do you know that when coming to their loving parent hemmed and hawed when asking for something, fearful that their parent wouldn’t provide their request? If the child is truly loved and abides in their parents home they are not going to ask for something that a parent wouldn’t gladly accommodate if they could! How much more would a perfect heavenly father desire and anticipate His children to ask?

girl

Lost source link (Copy righted- Rights and picture not mine.

He wants to show his love, lavish it upon us yet sometimes we coldly keep him at the door of our life. He has knocked and you have opened the door to him, however you stand there talking to him with your hand on the door handle, feet right at the threshold, fearful if you let God in the home called your heart that He may see something that He doesn’t like and reject you.

Or you don’t want Him to see the former you, which in our heads we know he already knows about, yet we still cling to the past self saying, “But God take the new me, I’m all cleaned up now just for you!” He sweetly and tenderly is asking to come in an have supper with you, or tea time and tell you that it doesn’t matter that the room is cluttered with the trash of the former life. He wants to clean house but only if you are willing. Thank God I am finally willing, I have thrown open the door and said thank you God for taking me as I am!