The lies I believed about God
As you grow up from a child to an adult many things can shape your view of life in general and also what you believe to be true about religion and God. The people in your life play a huge part of shaping what you will believe as truth. If their views of God and life are distorted it goes with our saying that your views will most likely be tainted.
I grew up in a newly Christian home that was based on many lies, secrets and law. My mom was always told that our business as a family was no one elses business and you were to never let anything “out of the bag” because others would view you in a bad light. The problem with that view was that nothing was ever done with the dysfunction and it just left the family members to sit around and gossip about each other instead of actually seeking to help each other.
As a child I would view these things when the aunts got together to visit. One aunt wouldn’t be there so they were the topic of discussion. They would sit there and bash anything and everything that they felt was going wrong in this aunts life but never try and help her to see the problem or help her. When that aunt was present and another one gone then they became the topic of discussion. I remember my mom sitting out there until every aunt went to bed, making sure she was the last one to bed so they could not or would not talk about her. I then followed in her footsteps as I got older and was invited to sit in on the aunts/ grandma’s adult “discussions”. By then it began to include the cousins and what they were doing to mess up their lives.
In this instant, my young mind came to the conclusion that NO ONE was trustwrothy, not even God. If he was trustworthy then why would he give me a family that hurt each other so much? Even as a young child I saw the harmful effects that gossip caused and knew that if family did that to each other then no one was safe.
Another example as a child that I see shaped my view of God was in my relationship with my father. My father was a great provider for our family. He worked a job that he absolutely hated for 30some years just to put food on the table for us, a roof over our heads and clothes on our backs. He was affectionate at times but it was usually when he wanted something. If you did something wrong you then had to earn your standing back with him over time. He tried to buy our love as children and that confused me very much. After he “bought” our love he would remind us of all the things that he has done for us and provided for my siblings and I. It was always conditional and our faces were rubbed in it to remind us that he was the one that could give and take away. He had my sister and I convinced that my mother was emotionally unstable, unfit and treated him horribly.
My view of God then became that God was a conditional, easily angered if not obeyed, provide for your needs, some of your wants but then would remind you of this when you did something wrong or worse would take it away from you kind of God. Again this type of God could not be trusted but was feared wondering if I could please Him enough to keep his love and affection.
My mom used to tell me a story of how every Sunday when they would give an alter call in childrens church I would go forward to get saved. We laugh about it now but tonight I want to weep because even as a child, I yearned for a God that would love and accept me unconditionally. I was so scared that I may have done something to sin against God during the week and not be in right standing with Him, like I so easily messed up and became out of my earthly fathers love so often.
I have written before about my childhood illness and how that affected from age 6-12 years. Honestly the aftermath of those years played out into not only junior high and high school but my early adult years and now. During the illness I gained a large amount of weight very quickly and let me tell you that children are so cruel… though I am sure you know this already as you may still have scarres that remain from things said to you whether you were too skinny, too fat, too short, too tall or anything else in between that someone could use to put you down and hurt you. I know the wound is probably still there because as a child we are never told how to let it go… other than to scream back “Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me!!”
It says in Proverbs 18:21
Easy-to-Read Version (ERV)
Those who love to talk must be ready to accept what it brings.
So my view of God was that He would not be my protector. My view was that He was this distant old man up in heaven that couldn’t even stop mean children from saying such hurtful things. I believed I some how deserved what the kids said about me, my weight and who I was. If I wasn’t so horrible then God would love me unconditionallly and protect me from the words spoken that pierced my child like heart with each word. I learned to beat kids to the punch line and put myself down first. That really made them gawk, not knowing what to say in response!
Again with the sickness, we had prayed for healing more times that I can even remember or count. It never happened. I was told by those people that as a child I must not have enough faith…
Again this tainted my view of God and how it says in the bible that He sent Jesus to heal us. Yet again I internalized this thinking that there was something I did wrong or could have done better to earn his favor and healing.
Lastly for tonight is the lie that I believed that other people were allowed to touch my body as a child in inappopriate ways and that this was ok. Even though in my heart and mind it did not feel right, as a child you come to the point where you wonder if what you think is right and wrong is totally wrong because these people in your life wouldn’t deliberately hurt you would they?? I was so disillusioned that my early pre-teen and teenage years were filled with such anger, rage and a deep desire to be loved, even if it was just one person.
Again this lie that I believed was that God did not care about what was happening to me and that this was just the way that people showed love and affection. If you loved a boy then you let him touch you in places because then it showed them you cared. This is such a lie from the pit of hell and the sad thing is that there are so many women in the world today that this has happened to and think the same thing.
What I am learning is the truth of who God is…
God is my perfect heavenly father that loves to give His children good gifts!
Everything good comes from God. Every perfect gift is from him. These good gifts come down from the Father who made all the lights in the sky. But God never changes like the shadows from those lights. He is always the same.
Also from the verse above.. He is never changing! HE is the same yesterday today and forever!!
I also know that He was there when I was in pain, sad, angry, hurt and alone…
Be strong and courageous.
Do not fear or be in dread of them,
for it is the Lord your God who goes with you.
He will not leave you or forsake you.”
I know that my name means “beloved” and that is no coincidence!
As indeed he says in Hosea, “Those who were not my people I will call ‘my people,’ and her who was not beloved I will call ‘beloved.’”
I know that there is nothing that I can do to make God love me more than He already does!
But God shows his love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us.
I know that I am saved by grace and that nothing I could do could make God love me less or more.
For you are saved by grace through faith, and this is not from yourselves;
it is God’s gift—not from works, so that no one can boast.
And above all, I know that God can redeem those years that I believed lies and walked in darkness.
Into Your hand I entrust my spirit;
You redeem me, Lord, God of truth.
So when I start to go back to those old lies that I believed as a child I can now read this and continue to learn from God’s word who His real character is. The more that I learn about His character the more I will walk in the righteousness that He has already bestowed upon each and every person who believes on His name!