I have felt pretty messy lately emotionally and spiritually
so in a lot of ways I have steered clear of writing about it
because its hard to do, right?
Its easier NOT to share the messy-ness with others,
instead we hide out and lick our battle wounds by ourselves.
What if the wrong person reads this post and the real you is revealed but not understood?
What if people who don’t understand all that you have been through read it and
jump to conclusions?
Or worse yet what if the one you have learned to open up to and care about so much
learns more than what they are willing to deal with and they walk away?
I grew up in a family where it was NOT acceptable to share anything negative or any struggles you were having with anyone outside of the family or let anyone know that you were sinking emotionally or physically. You were expected to put a smile on your face, and long sleeves on ,if necessary, so that for appearance sake everything looked perfect to anyone from the outside looking in.
I have lived with all of this “fear” in writing this process out and today I realized that everyone has some sort of fear or thing that they are hoping won’t happen. If we live our life in that fear or hope then unfortunately we miss out on so much of life and that kind of negative hope some how ends up coming to pass because it was the thing we feared, pondered and clutched the most.It is not what God wants for us because He says “Perfect Love casts out ALL fear!” and His hope does not disappoint according to Romans 5.
But the worlds fear and “hope” it can be…
Kinda like a self- fulfilling prophesy. I love the definition of this phrase!
Definition: becoming real or true by virtue of having been predicted or expected; a prediction of something to come
I am realizing just how much I did this in my life due to growing up in dysfunction but not knowing it was a malfunctioning environment. You begin to fear these things happening but have a hard time putting your finger on why this is a fear or where it came from. It may be a distant memory that triggers a response you never thought you would have, a scent that takes you back to a place and time or even a fleeting thought in your mind that ignites the fear in you.
So now you know its a fear and you know it comes from somewhere in the past…
What do you do to break the cycle that is in you that you have now identified as being completely unhealthy and dysfunctional?
I am still learning this process so please do not think that I am a professional in any of this or that I in some ways have all of the answers. I am looking to God and Him alone to help me learn how to break this cycle so that I do not take it into this next season of my life or a new relationship.
I am learning that I grew up in a very legalistic family even though it was the last thing that my mom would have wanted for us if she had truly known what law produces. She was radically saved when she was going in the opposite direction. For my mother, hearing from a pastor that she was going to hell based on the fact that she was an adulteress and pointing out scripture to show her where she would go should she die right that minute worked for my mom to turn her life over to God. My mom is very black and white and I believe that God created her that way for a reason, purpose and plan. I love my mom with all my heart and God has restored our relationship beyond what I could ask or imagine! She is my cheerleader and love me so very much!
The thing I never understood growing up was why I shouldn’t do things. Just the fact that adults said what the do’s and don’ts were and I should obey them because they said was how I grew up. There was no talk of an authentic relationship with God before the rules were laid out but first the rules and then an attempt at relationship with this scary God that may get mad if you did something wrong, which always ended up failing because we are humans and prone to wander from the constants in our lives.
In the book Wild Goose Chase, Mark Batterson says “We take constants for granted. And that is the “problem” with God, if I may say it that way, God is the ultimate constant. He is unconditionally loving. He is omnipotently powerful. And He is eternally faithful. God is so good at what God does that we tend to take Him for granted.”
Not only did I take God for granted for so long but I didn’t truly know who God was based on childhood perceptions that were flawed. If your first baby steps as a baby christian and child is based on the law you are prone to get to the point where you learn that performance based on law is impossible to live by! You will either spend a life time trying to be good enough working for your salvation or just throw your hands up after so long and give up even trying because you think He is a God that can never be pleased and just wants obedient servants. You know that in your own strength you will never be able to measure up. Look at what living a life by the law did for the Pharisees and tell me that’s how its supposed to be? Jesus came and called them white washed tombs! He tried telling his people that He came to abolish the law but we still want to live by it… why?
“What sorrow awaits you teachers of religious law and you Pharisees. Hypocrites! For you are like whitewashed tombs—beautiful on the outside but filled on the inside with dead people’s bones and all sorts of impurity.
I viewed God as this Big scary Guy in the Sky that was happy with me when I did right and mad at me when I did bad. When things would happen to me that were bad and it was when I was living a rebellious life I truly believed that it was because God was angry with me and taking away my husband because I “chose” him over God and worse I truly believed that God had taken away my babies in my womb because He wanted to show me who was in charge! All of this because I had taken my life in my own hands for a short time. Did someone in your life teach you that as well? You better not do anything bad this week or you may loose God’s presence in your life or be separated from the love of God! How flawed is this thinking!
It says in Romans 8:38 that:
“And I am convinced that nothing can ever separate us from God’s love. Neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons,neither our fears for today nor our worries about tomorrow not even the powers of hell can separate us from God’s love.”
And I have learned in this process of learning who God really is, that he is not this schizophrenic God that is sometimes angry and sometimes happy with you based on your performance. If the last statement is true and God has moments of anger when you are doing wrong and happiness when you are doing right… then it is by works alone and not the blood of Jesus Christ that saves us. Yes in the Old Testament it talks repeatedly about God being the Mighty Judge whose wrath was stirred by the Israelite disobedience. That God, however, poured out His wrath on His Sons body on the cross.
In the book Destined to Reign by Joseph Prince he states,
“Many Christians have been robbed of fellowship and intimacy with God because they believe
the lie that God is still angry with them because of their sins. They avoid contact with God,
thinking that He gets angry with them whenever they fail. So instead of going to God when
they fail, they run in the opposite direction. Instead of running to the solution, they run
away from it. The truth is: God is no longer angry with you! His wrath towards ALL your
sins has already been exhausted completely on the body of your Savior Jesus Christ. ALL
your sins have been judged and punished in the body of another. God IS (PRESENT TENSE)
LOVE (Emphasis mine) Stop being robbed of true intimacy and a relationship with your
gracious and forgiving Savior Jesus Christ. His grace is greater than all of your failures.
He loves you perfectly, so go to Him with all your imperfections.”
I truly believe that if you want to heal the present and future you have to take the time to look back at the past long enough to identify those lies and inaccuracies that you have built your foundation on, process them effectively and any attachment you may have with the lies and inaccuracies, then allow God to heal them through renewing your mind with God’s truth in your life. Many people don’t want to go back so that they can go forward. They are told you can’t blame what happened to you on others but only deal with where you are at now. The misconception there is that those ties are still holding you back from living a life set free and whole whether you want to admit it or not.
I agree that you can not stay in the past or cast blame on others in your past. You have to understand that people did the best they could with the information, knowledge and upbringing they had available to them and release it. It is walking through the “Valley of the Shadow of Death” that God wants to bring us into a life of healing, wholeness and breaking those cycles you have gone through over and over in your life.
Sometimes I feel that I should be further along than I am but I have to remind myself that
I am having to sift through 30 years of information and place it in one of 3 bins:
Inaccuracies= find the faulty belief and replace it with truth
Lies= throw it away and break the tie!
This process takes time to rummage through and find the nuggets of truth that you want
to build your new foundation on.
The cornerstone of your foundation has to be the one that the builders rejected!
(Psalms 118:22 and Matthew 21:42)
It is chaotic and messy to others around you.
It is tiring and taxing to you emotionally.
It is inconvenient and disorganized to those who crave order.
It is uncomfortable and agonizing to our flesh.
In the end though….
It will be so worth it!
Based on 2 Corinthians 5:21
“He made Him who knew no sin to be sin on our behalf,
so that we might become the righteousness of God in Him.”
I have been made righteous through His blood on the cross,
Now I just have to learn to live that life out,
Not letting the devil take me back,
But pressing on to the prize!
I want my self- fulfilling prophecies to be that of-
love, grace, joy, peace and an abundance in God’s blessings
because I have spent the time to seek Him and find Him.
I have learned to rest in the shadow and comfort of His wing.
I trust that He is a good God that wants to pour out more and more on His precious Beloved!