Top 12 things I want to do this Year!

I am once again relocating this year to a new place. It is definitely a mix of emotions as I start life over again in a new place! I always love the anticipation of it  until the newness wears off and the struggle of feeling connected begins. It really is such a challenge to relocate and establish your heart into another place. I definitely know this feeling. As I write I am sitting at one of my dearest friends house in Columbia, South Carolina. How I have missed South Carolina and I didn’t even really realize it until I came here for my visit. I found a saying on pinterest that speaks this so well…

Rights not mine. Found on Pinterest.

For me my heart is in so many places that I have been… Iowa where I was born (Not so much but I do love a few people from there) Upstate New York, India, South Carolina, Montana, and now Washington!

This doesn’t even count the people that I love that have moved on to other locations themselves! Places like Dallas, Louisiana, Vegas, California, England and so many other wonderful places!

We also have a heart longing for places that we have never been either! This world is not our home and I have so many people waiting for me in Heaven that sometimes I find my heart ache more and more for this place I have never been yet heard so much about. I know that my time here is not done yet so I resolve to live it to the fullest this year and as long as God has for me on this earth!

I guess thats part of loving… At least I am learning that about love. Sadly you can’t take everyone with you when you are being called to a new place! How I wish I could though!

So the whole point of this post is this new year will come along with its own set of trials, joys and wonderful moments. When I find myself struggling through the hard times I want to create for myself a Top 12 things to do so that I can go do something fun, awe-inspiring and help lift my spirits as to why I am where I am.

My friend just text me and said that she wished I could be here in SC all the time and how she has missed me being around all the time.  She said she wished that God would give her the memo on  when He gets these Grand plans for us and why He is doing it… Wouldn’t that be wonderful?!

I spent much of my life in a holding pattern with God because I insisted on controlling and knowing the when, what, why and how before I would move. People would call that disobedience, sin or a million other things that were never in my heart to be… I just wanted to be clued in on the plan. I have since learned through building the relationship that God so desired more than my obedience.  That when you truly learn who God is…

then obedience comes naturally!

It comes out of a love for the one that first loved me, who sacrificed His life and will so that I may be free and do as I desire. He gives us our free will not so that we can walk away and go do it ourselves but instead He wants it to be our choice to return to His feet and lay down our hearts and lives to be used by Him. He rejoices when just one person gets this revelation that He wants the relationship more than any other thing in the world!

So this year I want to do 12 things that will remind me each month of how our relationship has grown. I want to celebrate with my first love and rejoice in the life that we are building together!

1) January~

 I figure I only have a couple weeks when I get back to Washington so I am going to keep this one close to home! With the winter I am not sure what there is to do outside so I am going to pretend that I am somewhere else by going to India! At least for their food anyway! Gonna see if the Karma Indian Cuisine is as good as it sounds!

photo not mine. found via google search

2) February~

I may miss New York by this time and need a reminder of the good times there so I will celebrate that season of my life by trying to go to this place in Tacoma!

http://www.tacomaglassblowing.com/

http://www.tacomaglassblowing.com/

3)I have never been to Ireland however it is a dream of mine to go. My husbands heritage was Irish so I am going to honor the good times that we had and say goodbye to him by going to this festival. May sound crazy but I am pretty much at the point in my life where its ok to be crazy! =)

Irish Festival of Seattle

Saturday, Mar 15 10:00aMore dates & times (1)

Seattle CenterSeattle, WA

Non-stop Irish music, singing & dancing, with traditional Irish musicians & champion Irish Stepdancers from around the Pacific Northwest & from Ireland. There are genealogy & Irish language workshops, lectures, cultural displays, an Irish Reels Film Festival with contemporary Irish short films, children’s contests and activities (‘Smilingest Irish Eyes Contest’ & ‘Most Irish-Looking Face Contest’), booths selling Irish and Celtic products, etc.

 http://events.seattlepi.com/seattle_wa/events/show/337799323-irish-festival-of-seattle

4) April~

I think since I have already traveled to India and Ireland in the past months activities  it would only be fitting to go to Japan! I have had some friends that have been there and a friend from highschool that is currently a missionary over there so it would hold a special place in my heart!

Seattle Cherry Blossom & Japanese Cultural Festival

April 25-27, 2014
Armory / Center House Main Floor, Fisher Pavilion
http://www.seattlecenter.com/festal/detail.aspx?id=4

Seattle Cherry Blossom & Japanese Cultural Festival

Explore and experience the cultural roots and contemporary influences of Japan through live performances, visual arts, hands-on activities, foods and games. This feast for the senses features Taiko drumming and artisan demonstrations.

The Festival was founded 39 Years ago in appreciation of 1,000 cherry trees gifted to Seattle by Prime Minister Takeo Miki on behalf of the Japanese government in commemoration of the nation’s bicentennial. It is the first ethnic festival to be held at Seattle Center annually and the oldest in the Seattle Center Festál series.

5) May~

May was Phillip’s birth months so  I think it only fitting that I should go to Paradise!

Picture found via google photo search

6) June~

The birth month of my favoritest brother in the whole world! We have had some great times together and I selfishly want him out here closer to me! Lord willing some day that will happen!

Seems like the perfect month to go to the ocean and watch a sunset!

picture taken by Andrea Tappero

7) July~

Is the birth month of my sweet Momma! I will definitely be missing her by this time so I think I will go some place that her and I would go if she was here… Shopping and coffee!

photo not mine
found via google photo search

8) August~

Sounds like a perfect month to take a ferry ride to an island! I chose Blake Island for the possibility of having this view to be refreshed and reminded of God’s promises!

photo not mine. Found via google photo search.

9) September~

Is the best month around because its the month I was born in! haha!

I want this birthday to be super special and memorable so I want to plan something awesome for this month! Im going to dream big and try to save up for a couple nights stay in this absolutely gorgeous B&B! I think out of all the rooms this one is my favorite!

http://www.collinsinn.com/the_inn_lodging

10) October~

Will mark one year that Phillip was killed and 7 years that our babies have been in Heaven so I think maybe another trip up to Paradise would be nice! Its close by and after a splurge like my birthday wish just a day trip would be perfect! Who would not want to see this beauty?! God is amazing!

photo not mine. found via google photo search

11) November~

I made a promise to one of my dearest friends to try and come to Vegas to help with one of the greatest ministry opportunities! That is my hope and plan for this month! Last year Calvary Chapel Spring Valley had this thing called Bless Fest and it is life changing! I want to be there to serve and give back in thankfulness of all God has done in my life!

Blessfest

12) December~

Well what to do in December?? Hmmm… I think going to see lights sounds like a fun tradition to start!

http://www.gardendlights.org/

It may take me a little while to actually complete this list and it may change over the months however I have learned while living in so many different places that if you don’t plan something than the odds that you will get to experience anything are slim to none!

So what about you? Do you have dreams for this next year?

Have a vision and a hope for this new year that God has blessed you with! Look for all of the possibilities right around the corner! Experience life to the fullest!

photo found on pinterest

Letter to my babies in Heaven

Kierra Mae and Kolten John

I just finished an amazing bible study called Forgiven and Set Free which helps people who still struggle emotionally, spiritually and physically with the aftermath of an abortion or miscarriage. Tonight we had our memorial service for our babies that are now in heaven being loved and taken care of by our Perfect Heavenly Father. This memorial service did not mark the beginning of mourning someone’s death like most service would portray , no this is actually an end to the mourning process and celebration of the life that was inside each women in the room at one point. It was a beautiful service with music, lighting of candles for each babies life, each lady explained their babies names, a bible verse that spoke to them and either read their letter or a poem.

At first I fought this whole process! Who wants to remember all of this???

What I was kidding myself on was how much I did remember and how it was affecting my life still.

There was so many things I had not let go of that was affecting not only me but others as well and my relationship with God. By going through this study it has helped me to find the truth and let go of the lies. I am renewing my mind with God’s promises and learning to forgive everyone involved.

It says in Psalms 139:13-18

You made all the delicate, inner parts of my body
and knit me together in my mother’s womb.
14 Thank you for making me so wonderfully complex!
Your workmanship is marvelous—how well I know it.
15 You watched me as I was being formed in utter seclusion,
as I was woven together in the dark of the womb.
16 You saw me before I was born.
Every day of my life was recorded in your book.
Every moment was laid out
before a single day had passed.

17 How precious are your thoughts about me,[b] O God.
They cannot be numbered!
18 I can’t even count them;
they outnumber the grains of sand!
And when I wake up,
you are still with me!

I am so thankful that God loves us that much that he knows every detail and thinks of us so very much that they are as numerous as the sand!

So in this process I named my babies and wrote them a letter…

Dear Kierra Mae and Kolten John,

I have missed you every single moment since the first time I heard your heartbeat, could see you on the ultrasound screen but not hold you. I had anticipated that moment since I was a little girl and I was so very happy!

One of the things I never got to say to you was how much I loved you from the first second and how very much you still hold and have my love. In some ways a part of me, my heart and ability to love and receive love died that day they took you from my body. Your daddy and I tried so very hard to make it past the sadness and stick together through it all. He protected me from myself when all I wanted to do was be with you in Heaven. He just never knew it was in Jesus alone we would be able to find wholeness and healing. I still pray that some day God will open his eyes to that and free him from his sadness.

Some of the things I was never able to do with you was to hold you, to cuddle you closely as you slept contentedly in my arms. I never got to count your fingers and toes. I never got to rub your cheek with my finger and thank God for the beautiful gifts in my arms. I never got to see your face and find what characteristics were mine and which was from your daddy. I never got to bond with you or feel your mouth against my breast as it gave you nourishment and life. I never got to loose sleep as you would have surely needed me at night. I never got to lay with you as you slept on my chest. I never got to rock you to sleep or sing lullabies to you. I never had the privilege of hearing you cry for me or giggle with delight. I didn’t get to see all of those momentous occasions like you rolling over, sitting up, crawling or walking.

Instead of your first birthday being a joyous occasion filled with happy people celebrating your lives, flashes of cameras while you dove into your very own cake your birthday brings the pang of loss. I never get to laugh as you make a mess of your very first experience with cake and get that first sugar sweet taste of the frosting on your fingers. That day has been filled with a sadness and ache that I had feared would never go away. An intense longing to go and be with you. You were scheduled to arrive on October 31st and though I was never a big celebrator of Halloween, people just don’t understand the cloud that settles in each time around that time of year. I begin to reminisce how old you would be and what we would be doing based on how old you would be that year. This year you would have been turning 6 in just a month and a half.

It hurts the most when I think about how my life could have been so very different with you two by my side. I know people mean well and just try and help when they talk about the things that I have done since loosing you and how I wouldn’t have been able to do them all if you had been here. They say I have done so many amazing things like going to India and working at the orphanage. How torn I feel that part of my mind wouldn’t give that experience up for the world but that felt like I was saying I was thankful you weren’t born. That was so not the case as I yearn for you each and every day. If I had had you two in my life I wouldn’t have had the opportunity or desire to travel to India when I did and hold those precious babies that would have been the same ages as you two. Its hard to reconcile those two emotions and feelings. Even being in Montana has a bittersweet taste though I know God is working in my life, restoring, rebuilding, reconciling and renewing me!

For many years I have been mad at God, people, your daddy, the Dr.’s, our families, and myself for the paths, roads and highways that my life has traveled down instead of where it could have been.  Again part of my mind yearns and wishes that I had been able to be content with a life with your daddy, striving to live out the love for him that he thought he needed most. I was too broken to extend this love at the time as everything in me was draining to empty. Instead I held myself captive with the thought that when he needed me most I bailed. Part of me regretted not being strong enough to take the abuse, to stay and be submissive and prayerfully, lovingly draw him to the God that he snubbed his nose at. I held myself to the standard that I could have loved him enough to bring him back to the Lord. Part of me will always love your daddy. He had amazing moments of loving me however I know that most of our relationship was very dysfunctional and not healthy. Our love was not built on a strong foundation of God but on a shaky, fleeting sandy foundation of lust and desire. I know now there is a love that is so much better ad longer lasting than the intense but short fused bomb that was our relationship. How it exploded causing so much wreckage physically, emotionally leaving me a baron wasteland in so many ways for so many years.

Your father and I lovingly named you Kierra Mae and Kolten John Lough. You were lovingly placed in a wooden carved box that your daddy had made when he was younger. We put a mix of little mementos in the box with you. Some knit booties that a co-worker had lovingly made for you both and a little token of both your daddy and I. We buried you behind your grandparents house in the beautiful wooded area. We stole a large rock from the rock quarry not far from their house and I lovingly painted out your names on the rock and a saying that sadly, I don’t remember. I do remember that I cried the whole time I painted it out as my tears mingled with the paint.

I’m sorry that I couldn’t have gone to visit the place where we buried you more than I did. The fear of encountering your daddy kept me away for so long and then it just felt weird wanting to go after a few years had past. People felt I should have gotten over it by then, but I never had… Till now. I am going through the process and becoming free from all the sadness, depression, fear, anger, and I am learning to forgive.  It is so freeing when I truly walk in forgiveness. I still miss you with all my heart but I no longer blame myself, your daddy, the Dr.’s or God for not allowing you to be with me.

I know you are in heaven and though my time here on earth isn’t done yet I know I will get to hold you someday! And I can’t wait to see you face to face! Until then I will learn to remember you with fond memories instead of sad regret for what I don’t have. I will dream of the day with anticipation instead of holding myself in the prison of unforgiveness or longing and achingly desiring to end it all to be with you. Instead I will use this to help other women who have hurt like myself. I will be a display of a woman God let make her whole through his cleansing blood on the cross.

Thank you so much for your love and guidance! Have fun in heaven and I will see you someday!

Love you more than MOSTEST!!

Always and FOREVER!

Your Momma

Changes, excitement, missions and all that fun stuff!

God never fails to overwhelm me ( in a good way! ) with how amazing His love is for us!

When we seek HIM with all our hearts we will find Him, His will and abundant plan for our lives!

Often times when there is silence, from Him or others we think that they have forgotten about us or that they don’t care. Yet with God its NEVER that! His ways are not ours neither is His thoughts… even my best laid out plan pales in comparison to the story He wants to unfold in my life!

And my plans were pretty good too! I wanted to take a TEFL (Teaching English as a Foreign Language) course in the next couple months and eventually go back to India in the next year or so. Noble desires so I figured and trusted that all would fall into place. That I would move back up to New York, have the church starting the orphanage reach out to me in the moving process, get involved in the church that helped start the orphanage,  and eventually minister to the beautiful girls of Pune, India! However, things didn’t play out as I had anticipated. Though there was a few times of contact with the church there was no continuous communication like planned, no reach out of welcome like I had prayed for and desired, and most of all when I finally mentioned it all to them there was absolutely NO response. It was a hard things to swallow Im not even going to lie or sugar coat it!

For those of you who have read my other posts you know my past and the struggles I have overcome with God’s saving grace, mercy and love! Yet through it all I still have struggled with the emotional aftermath of going through those things. One of my big struggles is feeling that I am unworthy of pretty much anything let alone any kind of ministry!

In my head I knew God saved me.

In my head I had read how God used the unlikely-est people in the Bible!

In my head I knew that I was willing and wanted to be used by God.

But in my heart I still felt dirty and unworthy.

In my heart I always felt just on the brink of being exposed as a fraud… for who I used to be.

Those things in my heart affected how I went about seeking ministry opportunities and ultimately whether I felt worthy of being a part of them.

Their silence only intensified the feelings that they must not find me worthy either thus perpetuating the cycle of feelings of unworthy-ness and ultimately abandonment. Whether this is what they intended or not it is what went on in my head and emotions. I’m sure they never intended for me to go through all of that.

Let me just say though that it was NEVER GODS INTENTIONS FOR ME TO FEEL THAT WAY!!

He is a GOOD God. There is no evil in Him!

The world however is filled with evil, heart breaking moments, that tear a person down till there isn’t much left to work with.

God is the only one that can take the pieces of our broken heart, life and emotions. He slowly molds them and shapes them so that we see His truths and not the worlds lies. He begins to heal the past hurts, hangups and uses it for HIS good!

I am praying for just that!

About a week ago after really understanding that the India door is closed right now, I started looking into other ministries that I felt God could use me in.

Whenever I am in my car I listen to KLOVE christian radio station as it is encouraging uplifting music that speaks to my soul. Several times in the last month there was testimonies about how Teen Challenge had changed a persons life who was addicted to drugs or alcohol. I would find myself wishing there had been something like that when I was going through all my struggles. I would feel a pull to look up their website and research it more. May be even see if they had any openings in the area.

I would get distracted with life and the day to day things that take over.

Well one day last week I decided that I knew God had more for me than what I was settling for right now… Don’t get me wrong some people are called to work regular day jobs such as Wal-Mart, grocery stores, gas stations, fast food  restaurants and even hotels! We definitely need those people and there calling or desire to do them, either for a season or for a career. There is nothing wrong with that at all! I totally respect them and sometimes envy people like that because I am not hard wired that way!

There is something in me that knows I am supposed to be ministering and serving others though its not to ask them if they would like fries with that! As the body of Christ we are all called to different things and to be used in different ways. We couldn’t have all feet as the body or everyone would be going and no one staying to minister to the people in their area needing to know of God’s amazing saving grace!

I know God wants to take all that has happened to me and use it for His good and His GLORY! The only way that He can do that is if I am willing to go where ever it is He wants me.

The cool thing that I am learning in this process though is He even takes the littlest pondering and likes that we have deep in our heart and considers them too! Its like an extra bonus to show us and continually remind us that HE made us! He knows the number of hairs on our heads so wouldn’t He even more know that I am more of a mountain girl than beach? Of course He does!!

All of these ramblings to say that He has directed and opened the doors for me to possibly minister to women doing an internship through Teen Challenge! I am SUPER excited about this opportunity and anticipate seeing God work out all the details! Because like He keeps reminding me… He’s got it!

Romans 8:28 says….

^” And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good,  

for those who are called according to his purpose.”

In Sarah Young’s devotional, Jesus Calling, December 11th says it so well!

“I am working on your behalf. Bring me all your concerns, including your dreams! Talk with me about everything, letting the light of my presence shine on your hopes and dreams. Spend time allowing My Light to infuse your dreams with life, gradually transforming them into reality. This is a very practical way of collaborating with Me. I, the Creator of the universe, have deigned to co-create with you. Do not try to hurry this process. If you want to work with Me, you have to accept My time frame. Hurry is not in My nature. Abraham and Sarah had to wait many years for the fulfillment of My promise. a son. How their long wait intensified their enjoyment of this child! Faith is the assurance of things hoped for, perceiving as real fact what is not revealed to the senses. “

“For with you is the fountain of life: in your light we see light”

Psalms 36:19

Lord,

I want your will and I want to be where you want me! Shed your light on my path and direct each step I take! Thank you for showing us that though the world may think we have failed for not knowing what we want to do or where God wants us your timing is not our timing and if we want to work with you we have to accept that You are the one that knows the time frame! Keep me trusting you that all things will fall into place in the right time. Your will be done!

My life in a nutshell

I grew up in what I thought was a Christian home. My mom had a radical life transformation and saving grace experience when I was very little so from that time on we were in the church any time the doors were open. My extended family didn’t understand my mom’s life change and made it very hard growing up. Any move we made that they didn’t consider very “christian” like they were the first to tell us how messed up we were. I rebelled against this a lot growing up. When I was in highschool I went to a concert where I first learned about Compassion International and India. I instantly had a heart and love for India, the woman and children. I knew that I wanted to go over there! I was able to graduate early and in 1998 went to a Youth With a Mission DTS and then spent just short of 2 months in India! It was an overwhelming, heartbreaking and wonderful experience! Being young and in love with the idea of being a missionary like Amy Carmichael my time was spent very affected by what my thoughts were about missionaries and thinking that I was supposed to be there for the rest of my life like all the other missionaries you hear about growing up. I didn’t know what to do with all of the poverty and sadness.

When I came back to America they attempted to “debrief” us and prepare us for reentry into our old lives. Nothing could prepare me! All of my friends had plans and were heading off to college and I had not done anything to plan for my time after India. I found a job and decided I wouldn’t waste money going to college when I didn’t know what I wanted to be. I started hanging out with friends that I worked with and they got me into smoking, drinking and eventually drugs. I was rebelling against everything that I had learned or been shown because I didn’t understand a God that would let people in America be born with so much and others in India with nothing. I was angry with Him and didn’t know how to fix my anger. My way of dealing with the anger and dysfunction that was going on in my home life was drugs and alcohol. I ended up meeting this drug dealer and thinking my life would be problem free as far as providing for myself because he had money. It turns out he wasn’t a very good drug dealer and smoked more than he sold. I was financially in a pinch when my grandparents wanted payment for the car they had sold to me. I also owed rent to the girl I was living with and I had nothing.

To make a long story short I got myself very mixed up with all the wrong things and ended up being an accomplice to my ex boyfriend when him and his friend did an armed robbery. I was picked up at my job and was taken to jail. I spent 108 days in jail and eventually I would spend 90 days in prison. During my time in jail, God got a hold of me and thanks to my mom who was my advocate and fighter I was able to get a reduced sentence. I didn’t snitch on my ex or his friend even though that would have been the easy thing to do. I knew that when they told me the night it all went down that they would have alibis and knew where my family lived I was looking at the whole sentence… 25 years in prison with a 22 year mandatory! God saw my heart and how I surrendered my life to Him and I believe He worked a miracle on my behalf. I will always give Him the glory because there was no way that I should have been freed.

I was mandated to a drug and alcohol program for my pre-trail release and I started at Pathways outpatient group sessions and did a Celebrate Recovery program through the church I had gotten involved in. I will tell you that it wasn’t the counselor that they assigned me to that was fresh out of college with all her cheerleader friend pictures up in her office that helped me… how could she relate when she was probably still out on Friday nights with her college buddies living it up?! No it was the group counselor who happened to be the Director of the program that helped me the most. It was him because he was a recovered alcoholic! He knew where I was or had been and could effectively help me through the process because he had been there! He asked our group to do an assignment per say.. We were to pick 2 people in our lives that were 5 years older than us… 1 that was clean and living an upstanding life and another that was still using. He told us that it was up to us what life we wanted because no matter what time goes by and you end up being whatever person you choose 5 years from then.

I won’t tell you from that point on I was right on track and lived a problem free life. It is hard to break dysfunctional thinking that you never even know is dysfunctional. You see my mom never told us that she was living in an abusive marriage for 31 years until I found myself fleeing my abusive marriage in 2007. I was so shocked, angry and relieved! It finally helped me to see why I continued to walk into negative relationships thinking that there would be different results but I didn’t have a correct view or what love should and shouldn’t be. It helped me to see that it wasn’t all me. I could begin to see what I had grown up learning as normal for what it truly was and begin the process of finding God’s truth instead.

In 2008, I was able to go and volunteer at an orphanage in India for 6 months. This time helped the healing process! I was able to take my focus off of myself for a time and pour out love on these sweet kids that had absolutely nothing. I could take the time to process and work through the hard things. I got to help the housemothers with the infants and toddlers, teach art classes to the school age children, minister to the women staying in the women’s shelter and help in the office correcting documentation to proper English. It was a life changing experience and I haven’t been the same since!

So now it is almost 2013! It has been a challenging couple years but I have learned so much!

I would love to be able to be a part of an organization that I can not only pour myself into but one that can also continue to help me grow and dig deeper in my relationship with the Lord. I need mentoring and have really struggled to find a church or organization that is willing to invest in me. They sure want volunteers and people to serve but are not willing to fill those people pouring themselves out back up like they should. I desire that, long for that and plead with God on a daily basis for Him to place me somewhere that would do just that!

Romans 5:1-11

5 Therefore, since we have been justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ. ² Through him we have also obtained access by faith into this grace in which we stand, and we rejoice in hope of the glory of God. ³ Not only that, but we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, ⁴ and endurance produces character, and character produces hope,⁵ and hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us.

⁶ For while we were still weak, at the right time Christ died for the ungodly. ⁷ For one will scarcely die for a righteous person—though perhaps for a good person one would dare even to die— ⁸ but God shows his love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us. ⁹ Since, therefore, we have now been justified by his blood, much more shall we be saved by him from the wrath of God. ¹⁰ For if while we were enemies we were reconciled to God by the death of his Son, much more, now that we are reconciled, shall we be saved by his life. ¹¹ More than that, we also rejoice in God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have now received reconciliation.

(Italics and bold mine to emphasis what it meant to me!)

You can never be to far gone for the saving grace, love and mercy that Jesus died to show you! My life is living proof of that!

Old post… revisited

I wrote this blog post July 17, 2010. I was going through a lot at that time in my life, trying to figure out if I was supposed to go to India and when, my mom was falling in love with a guy we barely knew very quickly and we felt it was moving way to fast and I was trying to decide where I would live when they got married.

Its awesome how you can look back on your writings and see how God used that time to work it all out for His good! I just needed that reminder tonight and the last couple days! Hope it speaks to someone as well!

Why do we hide our struggles?

So I think this blogging may become addicting! Only day 2 and I have been thinking about so many different things I have wanted to write about!

After a very exhausting week emotional and physically at work I was so ready to throw in the towel and just not do anything today! I didn’t want to talk to any one or see any one.

Though the solitude today was nice I knew that I was falling into one of the devils many traps of isolating myself when going through struggles, so I text my friend and we planned a little time together! And on my way to a dear friends I thought about how the devil gets us to feel that way. We begin thinking that we are the only ones going through difficult or challenging times! He wants us so isolated that we think no one else in the world could be feeling what we are.

On my way over to her house as I was driving I could see this huge ominous, gray cloud over the town of Bath ( kinda like the cloud over Eeyore in Winnie the Pooh stories) It wasn’t raining, just hovering over the town like an oppressed, sad spirit… YET to the West I could see the sunset!! And though this cloud was there and you could feel it the sun was still shining on the town filling it with light! It was so beautiful to me and it showed me something!

There are times in our lives when it feels like our life is weighing down on us and that this oppression won’t go away. Like we are the only ones that can feel it… Its dark and it keeps us immobile… Its like that cloud… We feel that there is this little rain cloud over us that just won’t rain and won’t go away! YET… instead of looking straight up at the cloud… if you look into the distance you can see the SONset! He wants to light up your life and show you the way! He is there waiting for us to look and see the light guiding our every step!

So… the last thing I was struggling with is… why do we not want to share with others our struggles or what God has brought us through?!

So many Christians I have observed try to sweep under the rug the tough times… put on their smiles for church… and tell everyone they are “Fine!”

Isn’t it in our weakness that God is strong and glorified?!
Isn’t it in the trials that we learn the most?
Isn’t it in the hard times that we grow into the person that God is shaping us to be?

Why then would we want to hide that from others?

God has put us here to come together and share in each others joys and sorrows… our laughter and tears… our ups and downs… our times of famine and our times of feast! God gave us friendships to help us to see that we are not alone in this world! And that your friend might be going through the same exact think that you have. If we hide the struggle we loose out on blessing that friend with encouragement and love! We miss out on crying on each others shoulder and knowing we are not alone! We miss out on opportunities to laugh together til our sides hurt! And most important we miss out on building lasting relationships that edify the Lord!

Where is the integrity?!

Psalm 26:11
But as for me, I shall walk in my integrity; Redeem me, and be gracious to me.

Im wondering if I am the only one in this world that has a strong sense of integrity and wanting to be honest, up-front and open when it comes to a job, employment and life in general??

I have had such a challenge these past few years finding a job that held the same level of integrity that I strive for. Don’t get me wrong I am human, I stumble and fall but when I am asked to blatantly and bold faced lie to people I have a problem with that! I was even told tonight by a co-worker that I would get used to it and it would become second nature! I don’t want that!!

I lived a life that was so full of lies I had a hard time keeping them all straight and even got to the point in my life that the lies became “truth” in my mind. I never want to get to that place ever again! I grew up in an abusive home that was masked with lies, manipulation and deception. I didn’t find out it was an abusive home until I was 28 and going through my own abusive marriage and struggling to get out alive!

So why do businesses feel that being dishonest is the only way to do business yet they want employees that are honest, wouldn’t steal from them and trustworthy?

Proverbs 11:3
The integrity of the upright will guide them, But the crookedness of the treacherous will destroy them.

Businesses say that its in their best interest and financially necessary to be dishonest but have they never read any part of the bible? There are over 30 verses in the bible about walking in integrity and truth!

I just saw a verse in my search for verses about business, integrity and honest… this is a BIG aaaah haaa for me!!

A couple years ago God gave me this verse in James 1:27: ^“Pure and undefiled religion in the sight of our God and Father is this: to visit orphans and widows in their distress, and to keep oneself unstained by the world.”

I thought I knew what this meant for my life and that I was supposed to go back over to India and work at an orphanage. Circumstances and different things happened in my life and I wasn’t able to go when I wanted or planned on going. My move back up to NY was actually to be closer to this church that has helped start a new girls home in Pune, India and I was excited about being more involved. The people on the committee have not been responsive to my coming on board and I have been very discouraged about whether this was where I was supposed to get involved. I want to be involved in an organization that WANTS me to be there and will be an encouragement and support for me now since the preparation time is so key when getting ready to go overseas. It also helps a person to see what kind of support they offer now while your in their midst… if it is non-existent than you can usually expect the same or worse when you are thousands of miles away from the fold!

But I digressed…. The verse that I just found was in James 413-15:

 ^“Come now, you who say, “Today or tomorrow we will go to such and such a city, and spend a year there and engage in business and make a profit.Yet you do not know what your life will be like tomorrow. You are just a vapor that appears for a little while and then vanishes away. Instead, you ought to say, “If the Lord wills, we will live and also do this or that.”

I am a planner… I want this road map of my life before I jump because I have done my share of leaps and had them be a total mess. So in some areas of my life I struggle with wanting to plan ever thing down to the minutest detail… but what if God is calling us to trust Him with the details. What if I am finding these jobs and dissatisfaction because God is trying to move me in the direction of India but I am not listening or being obedient?!

Remember above… I am human! I still struggle with all these things and knowing exactly what God is trying to speak to me.

God I just want to be where you want me! If that is in India or here please show me so that I know. Please help me to continue to trust you with my whole being. Help me to not need to know all the details of how Im going to be able to finance everything, where Im going supposed to go and how its all going to fall into place. I WILL TRUST!! And when I find myself getting anxious with the details I will quote…

Philippians 4:6
Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God.

Direct my steps with my job and help me to be an example of You through this whole process of explaining why integrity is so important and essential to my life!

My first attempt at the Daily Prompt!!

I just started following the http://dailypost.wordpress.com/2012/11/05/daily-prompt-9/ and today’s prompt was…

You have 300 words to justify the existence of your favorite person, place or thing. Failure to convince will result in it vanishing without a trace…

For me I am going to tell you about my experience at an orphanage in India and why I feel it was the best and most favorite place and time in my life. I feel every person should visit a 3rd world country at some point in their lives! It grants a person so much perspective on how your life could be and a thankfulness of what it really is!

When I went to India to volunteer at an orphanage for 6 months I had just been through some very trying times in my life. My 4 month old marriage ended in shambles to the point that I fled to a women’s shelter. I had just miscarried our baby at 9 weeks and I was devastated! The hopes and dreams that I had created for our life was gone in the blink of an eye. I was left heartbroken, bruised and scarred feeling that I wasn’t worthy enough to have a husband that loved me enough to get the help he needed to stop his addictions to cocaine and alcohol.

SO I hopped on a plane and found a way to minister to toddlers and infants! I would sit there and cry over these sweet babies whose lives were as messed up as mine. I would spend sweet moments rocking babies that would have been the same age as my baby should she have lived, I saing them lullabies, and I got angry at the injustice that was done to them. And ultimately I healed my hurts and wounds by pouring my love and time into others. It took my focus off of my circumstances and placed it on helping others.

If anyone is in need of healing then I highly recommend going to this beautiful, exotic, aromatic, colorful place! It is a sad place with much poverty but it helps to put your own life into perspective and know that if could always be worse! You will find a lasting joy knowing you made a moment in their life happy!

I went over 300 words!!! Hopefully I still past the challenge as I would never want India to disappear!